Remembering Jenna

When you lose a baby half-way through your pregnancy, it doesn't give you much time to make some memories, although it does allow you to form a close bond filled with love for that baby.

I do have some memories of Jenna, although most are just pregnancy memories. The week after I got my first positive on the pregnancy test, I took one every day, just to see those two lines. I was amazed because we had gotten pregnant so quickly this time around. We didn't waste time with Jenna trying on our own. We went straight to Clomid, and it only took two cycles. I was just so surprised and couldn't believe we were pregnant.

When I calculated my due date, I found out I was due on Christmas Day. I was so happy to be due in December. My granny's death last year in December ruined that month for me. I thought having a baby that month would take away the sadness a little bit and cause it to be filled with joy. Look at how wrong I was. Now, I have a double reason to be sad in December.

I didn't really get to feel Jenna move too much. She was so small, and I had so little amniotic fluid that it affected her movements. But, I could count on her moving two times a day. One was early in the morning. My doctor said I could have one caffeinated drink a day. I always had a Sun-Drop in the morning at work. As I turned on my computer at my desk, she would give a little kick. The more I drank, the harder the kicks would get. The other time was at night after Tessa went to sleep. I was usually on the computer, and she would kick and roll around. I loved those times, and I miss it now.

Every time we went to the doctor, except for once, Jenna's heartbeat was extremely strong. She took after all the women in the family and was just as stubborn as she could be. Considering how little brain matter she had, it's a wonder how long she lasted. It was because of that stubborn streak she inherited.

After she was born, I was able to see her. Most babies with Trisomy 18 have clenched fists, but Jenna's weren't. She had long fingers for a baby so small, but they were all there. Her feet were tiny and one was clubbed, but she still had all 10 toes. She had Tessa's nose, too. I think she would have looked a lot like her.

I know it isn't too much, but these are my memories of my baby girl, Jenna.