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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I never knew

Before Jenna, I never knew it would hurt so much to lose a baby while pregnant. I knew it would be emotionally painful, but I never realized that it was something that would affect me for the rest of my life.

Even after she was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, I wasn't hurting like this. Maybe it was because I was able to pretend it wasn't real, because she was still with me. But to be honest, as long as she was inside of me and moving around, I still had hope that maybe, just maybe the amniocentesis was wrong, and she didn't have it.

Now, the hope is gone. She's gone. And, I'm not sure how to get past this. I know I have to because I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful older daughter. But, I was supposed to have a beautiful younger daughter, and she's not here.

I'm keeping a quote from Pooh's Grand Adventure in my mind: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

The reason I'm keeping it in my mind is for two reasons. When my granny was in the hospital and dying, T and I were laying in the bed watching the Pooh movie. I was almost asleep and thinking about how would I make it without my granny. That quote popped up. It was almost like she was telling me that. In fact, I know she was.

Then, last week, my friend Kara from a Web site I visit, sent me a card. It had this quote on it. It gave me strength to read it.

So, now I know people think that about me, so I'm going to start thinking it about myself. With the help of my family and the strength I do have, I will get through this. But, I never knew how hard it would be.

1 comment:

Nancy Sathre-Vogel said...

I am so sorry sweetheart. I simply cannot imagine losing a baby - there are no words. God be with you.