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Monday, August 4, 2008

My feelings

I have been told more than once since all of this started that I am being strong, that I'm a strong woman for being able to handle this. I don't feel strong to be honest. I feel like I'm living in a state of constant denial.

I can pretend for a while that everything is all right, but I have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind at all times. I know I have to keep it together for "T," but it's getting harder and harder every day, especially with all that is happening.

I'm having trouble eating. When I do eat, my stomach is constantly upset. Sometimes, I overeat. I'm worried right now that I'm developing an ulcer. Tonight, my stomach is killing me.

I also can't sleep at night, but that's all I want to do during the day. At night, I just sit up on the Internet or watch television or read if I can. It's midnight, and I'm still not in bed.

It's easy to project a strong front to the world, but that is not what I'm feeling. I've always been good at covering up when bad things are happening. But, when I'm alone, the stress is killing me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few months.

2 comments:

Tess said...

I am so sorry you are suffering. I have been following your story on BBC, and it breaks my heart that you and your family have had to deal with this. I hope that you can find a way to deal with all these strong emotions....

Tess (writermama24)

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I felt the same way in the first few weeks after I lost Tyler. I remember eating nothing but candy and brownies for at least a month - and I didn't care. You will get through this, just hang in there. It's ok to not eat, overeat or whatever it takes just to get through this part. I'm sorry, it really sucks.