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Monday, August 18, 2008

No more Pollyanna

My friends used to call me Pollyanna because I could always find the good in any situation. When times were rough, I always told Brian, "Everything will work out" or "It will be ok," and I meant it. A positive attitude has gotten me through many hard times.

I'm having a hard time finding the good in this. I know it's best that Jenna passed away without going to term. From the birth defects that were present at birth, I know she would have suffered terribly if she had be delivered while alive. But, I don't know why she even had to have Trisomy 18. I know how Trisomy 18 occurs. Either the egg or the sperm had an extra set of chromosome 18. But, I don't know why it had to happen to us.

I don't want to lose the optimistic person I've always been, but this has me scared. I'm afraid we won't be able to get pregnant again when we do try because I have PCOS. I'm scared that if we do get pregnant again, that baby will have problems. I'm afraid I'm always going to be sad. But, most of all, I'm afraid I'm never going to be the same again.

So, I'm going to try to look for the good in this. Right now, it's hard, but I'm going to try. For one thing, it has brought Brian and I closer together. It has taught us what is important and what is not. We haven't been fighting over the small things lately at all.

As I mentioned early, Jenna didn't suffer. I am so thankful for that. All she ever knew was the warmth and love my body had for her. I did love her, and I am thankful for the time I had with her because she taught me I could love another child just as much as I do Tessa.

I also found friends on the Internet through all of this. When I posted my story on various boards, people came out of the woodwork to share their story of loss with me. I so appreciate their support. I also found out how supportive my family really is. They love me and were as sad as I was to lose Jenna.

Of course, I would gladly have given up all of those things (except for Jenna not suffering) if it could mean she wouldn't have Trisomy 18.

1 comment:

Grace said...

I understand it's hard to stay positive, but you have to!Afterall, you did have Tess, who had no problems whatsoever.
:)