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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A hard time today

I should have know when I woke up to rain this morning that it would be a bad day. It matched my mood exactly. I didn't want to go back to work today (or this week), but I was needed and felt like I was letting people down.

Tessa is out of school for the next week for the National Tennessee Walking Horse Celebration. It's held here every year, and the school system has always closed for it. She has gotten used to me being home and didn't want to go to the babysitter. She dawdled around so much that it was almost 9 a.m., when we left.

I took her to my aunt's house (she babysits for us), and when she asked me if I was ready to go back, I just started crying. I couldn't help it. One of the parents who dropped their little girl off gave me a hug, and my aunt hugged me, too. She told me I was strong and would get through it. How come I don't feel so strong when everyone is telling me I am?

I cried all the way to work and wanted to cry as I was walking in. I don't know if it was because today was two weeks since Jenna was born or if its because I was still pregnant the last time I was at work. I knew Jenna's diagnosis at the time, but while she still alive and moving around inside me, I kept a little bit of hope that we would have a miracle, that maybe, just maybe the amnio was wrong. Also, every morning Jenna was most active, while I was turning on the computer and getting ready for the day. Mostly, it was because of the Sun-Drop. I didn't even get one this morning; it would have just been too much.

My friend who works in advertising cut out Jenna's obit and put it on purple paper and laminated it. I teared up about that. I did really well, too, even so far as typing birth announcements. Those are going to hurt for a while, I think.

On the way home, I heard the Michael Buble song "Home." For some reason, it makes me cry and think about Jenna. Maybe it's because I want to go home, back to our home before we found out our child had Trisomy 18, when we were excited about the pregnant and looking forward to bringing another child home. I wish I still had those feelings.

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