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Sunday, August 31, 2008

Messages from my sweet baby girl

Do you believe those who have gone on before us can send us messages to let us know they are thinking of us and love us?

After my granny died, I heard her voice, which she hadn't been able to use for nearly two years due to Parkinson's Disease. This terrible, progressive illness robbed her of her ability to speak, and we all missed being able to hear her talk and laugh, because she had a great sense of humor. Being able to hear her voice again made me feel close to her. I don't know if it was really her or if it was my mind wrapping itself around the grief I was feeling and letting me hear her voice to comfort me, but either way, it helped.

Now that I've lost Jenna, I've wondered if I would find a way to feel close to her like I did with my granny. I might sound crazy, but I think she's finding ways to let me know she's all right and thinking about me.

My first sign was a few days after I came home from the hospital. I opened up my gmail account and went to empty the spam. I scrolled down through it like I normally do, just scanning to make sure nothing was there that I needed to keep. My mouth dropped open when I saw one of the e-mails was from someone named Jenna, and the subject line read "Thinking of You." I opened it, and it was spam for a greeting card line. Almost every day since then, I've received the same spam, and it even came to my yahoo account once or twice.

Even though I know logically it is a coincidence, I feel like she's letting me know she's watching over all of us and thinking of me. Maybe it's her way of telling me not to feel so bad, we will see each other again.

The day of Jenna's memorial service, we had one of the pastors read a story about a dragonfly. Someone posted it on the support board I've been going to, and I fell in love with the story. After the service was over, we went out to the cemetary to visit my granny's grave, and we saw two dragonflies, flying through the air, flitting around each other as though they were playing. I'd like to believe it was my granny and Jenna, letting us know they were with us.

Yesterday, I was cleaning house and walked past the picture my sister-in-law drew for us. The sun hit it just right and on my leg was a rainbow. The sun moved behind the clouds and out again, making the rainbow dance. I smiled, knowing it was my baby girl.

I might sound crazy, but I think Jenna is letting me feel her presence. I really hope it continues.


Jami said...

I don't think you're crazy at all. Its those little "signs" that bring us peace in moments of grief.

Beth said...

I love the spam email! That is great. I also don't think you're crazy. Yes, you're right that it's just a coincidence, but it sure is a great one. I think one thing that's hard about losing your baby before birth is that you don't get to know just have to imagine what they would tell you if they could. I love that you have been able to feel her presence.