After all the problems we have encountered when we decided to end this pregnancy, we have decided to let nature take its course.
I don't know how long Jenna will be with us. People have told us we are meant to learn from this experience. I am going to keep my eyes open to find out what I can learn from this. At the moment, all I can see ahead is pain.
This is not the choice we would have made if things had been different. My mom says its a sign that we weren't able to do it, that there is a reason we are now having to try to carry to term. I'm not sure I even believe that everything happens for a reason anymore. Maybe it will come to me over time.
One thing I have learned from all of this is that Jenna is a stubborn little girl, like all the women in my family. Only once when we've gone in has her heartrate not sounded strong. Dr. McGowen also heard her moving around, although I'm not really able to feel it so much anymore.
In some ways, I'm very at peace with this decision, much more so than I was a few days ago. But, in other ways, I am scared to death of what this is going to mean for our family.
I feel like I should be able to say something so poetic and moving, because I'm a writer. It just isn't coming to me at the moment.
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