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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Letting nature take its course

After all the problems we have encountered when we decided to end this pregnancy, we have decided to let nature take its course.

I don't know how long Jenna will be with us. People have told us we are meant to learn from this experience. I am going to keep my eyes open to find out what I can learn from this. At the moment, all I can see ahead is pain.

This is not the choice we would have made if things had been different. My mom says its a sign that we weren't able to do it, that there is a reason we are now having to try to carry to term. I'm not sure I even believe that everything happens for a reason anymore. Maybe it will come to me over time.

One thing I have learned from all of this is that Jenna is a stubborn little girl, like all the women in my family. Only once when we've gone in has her heartrate not sounded strong. Dr. McGowen also heard her moving around, although I'm not really able to feel it so much anymore.

In some ways, I'm very at peace with this decision, much more so than I was a few days ago. But, in other ways, I am scared to death of what this is going to mean for our family.

I feel like I should be able to say something so poetic and moving, because I'm a writer. It just isn't coming to me at the moment.


Jenny said...

I wish there were something, anything to make this better. You don't have to worry about being strong or thinking there is some reason this is happening to you. Right now all you need to worry about is how to get from one day to the next (or one hour to the next). The strength will come later down the road. And some day you will find yourself a pilar of strength for others going through this horrible situation. Sending you many hugs (and hopefully some strength too) to help make this journey a bit smoother.

(Username Jens0972)

Anonymous said...

Hi. I have been following your story on BBC. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I saw a video recently on you tube about a baby with trisomy 18. I thought that you would be interested. If you look up 99 balloons on you tube you will be able to find it. You can also look it up on this website:
I know that anything or anyone can say will not make this better. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hoping that you can make it through this at least one day at a time....

Grace said...

I really don't know what is appropriate to say here.
Just want to let you know that I am here to cheer for you along the difficult path.
One thing though, if you have already decided to let nature take its course, all you have to do is to plan for the worst case scenario, but hope for the best.
That's how I have been dealing with life's tough situations and find peace with the decisions I made.