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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Dreading going back to work

I am definitely out of work for the rest of this week. I go back to the doctor on Aug. 25, and we will go from there as to when I will go back to work.

I dread it so much. Almost all of the people on my beat knew I was pregnant. I was so happy to be expecting, and with me being Lifestyles Editor for the past seven years, many of the people on my beat have become friends, so of course, I told them. I am so afraid of going back and having them ask me how I'm doing or how the baby is doing or how much longer I have.

Because I have been at the newspaper for almost nine years now, most of the people I work with aren't just co-workers but friends, too. I know they mean well and their sympathy is real, but they also have no idea what I'm going through. None of them have lost children.

For the people who don't know me very well, it will be fake sympathy. I know many of them will be thinking they are glad it isn't them. I'd rather have no sympathy at all than that fake sympathy I know will be coming.

Besides any time anyone asks me how I'm doing, I know I'm going to tear up. Just about anything makes me cry right now. Birth announcements are going to be the worse, especially when I get one from a woman who isn't married and has six other kids, all with different last names. I shouldn't be judgmental of those women, but this is bringing out that bad side of me. Why do they get to have all of those children and mine had to be sick and died?

Maybe the next week will help me, but I don't think it's enough time. I may ask my doctor for another week when I go for my follow-up appointment Monday. She'll probably give it to me. Even that extra week won't really be enough, but I guess it will have to do.

1 comment:

tazharris said...

Have you put an obituary in your newspaper?
I know most people still take the six weeks out of work, if you would want to do that.
My friend lost her baby at eight months pregnant. She stayed out the six weeks.
I am very sorry you are going through this.
Many hugs to you.