Jenna is home with us

I went to the funeral home today to pick up Jenna's cremains. I walked in, and the owner greeted me. I told me how sorry he was for what we were going through. I asked him if he was able to get any remains, and he said yes. I honestly think it was mostly the sweater, hat and teddy bear I sent with her.

I told him that I wanted to get an urn, and he took me back to another room where he had a selection. He told me I could get a large one or a smaller one. I chose the smaller one. I just didn't think it would be right to use one of those big ones for such an itty bitty baby. The urn is black with gold etching. It is so pretty and dainty.

I thought I would be able to either spread the ashes over my granny's grave or bury them at her feet. I just can't do that. I don't think I want to be apart from her right now. Maybe in the future, I will change my mind, but for now, I want her in the house with me.

I'm going to buy a shelf to hang on the wall. Her urn will go on this shelf, along with a photograph of the level 2 ultrasound I had when we first suspected the Trisomy 18. It is such a pretty shot of her profile. I'm going to have her name and birthdate engraved on the frame. The other thing to go on the shelf is a Build a Bear Workshop teddy bear. I'm going to pick out one just for her and a matching one for Tessa. Jenna's will go on the shelf along with the other things. That may sound silly, but it is what I want to do.

I am also going to make a scrapbook with her. It will include the rest of the ultrasound pictures, cards I received from friends and family members and all the items from the hospital. My sister-in-law has agreed to help me.

I don't know if these things will make me feel better, but I think it will help me in the grieving process. I just want to do these things for her because I won't have an opportunity to do much.