Tessa's testing

Two weeks ago, Tessa had her appointment with the psychologist. It was basically a consultation to see if he thought she needed any testing. He feels as though she does, and we go on Wednesday morning for the testing.



This psychologist is wonderful. We went in, and he explained to her that he couldn't tell anyone anything she told him. She has meltdowns (pitching fits as my mom calls it), and it embarasses her. She doesn't like anyone knowing.



He said he can't say anything for sure about any of it, but he does think she has something going on in regards to the ADD. He had her draw a picture, and every five seconds, she was turning around to say something to me. She wanted to know what color she should use next, what item to draw next, etc., etc., etc. She can't keep focused on anything for long.

The testing will take four hours. I forgot to ask if we will find out the results right away or if we will have to wait. I am hoping we can find out right away, but I know we probably won't.

As frustrated as I get with Tessa, I know she gets frustrated with herself, especially when she has a meltdown. She had one Saturday, and I sent her to her room until she could calm down. I heard her saying "I hate myself." I was in tears. I went in to talk to her, and I asked her about that. I said, "Do you really hate yourself?"

"Just when I pitch fits," she said. "I don't know how to stop it."

Her insurance has approved her for 12 visits to the psychologist, along with the testing. I am hoping he will work with her to improve her self-esteem. I feel like I might be part of the cause of her low self-esteem because of something I said before we realized she might have ADD. I told her a couple of times, "Six year olds don't pitch fits. You aren't two." If I could go back and take back those words, I would.

I have so many mixed emotions on this. On the one hand, I am terrified for her to get a diagnosis of ADD and dyslexia because it will mean for her future. She is going to have to work harder, dig deeper and always give a little more than other kids. She dreams of being a veterinarian, and I want her to achieve her dreams. A veterinary career is hard for anyone to achieve, but it will be even harder for someone with a learning disability.

On the other hand, I am terrified she won't be diagnosed. If she does have ADD and dyslexia, we can work out a plan to help her. If it's not, we won't know what it is, and we can't work out solution. I always think it's better to know what you are facing so you can have a plan.

And, there is also this small part of me, deep down, that is worried that the psychologist is going to tell me it's all a reaction to bad parenting, that I caused this, that it's all my fault. Sometimes, I wonder if I have been too lenient and too much of a helicoptor parent. I also wonder if in my grief over losing Jenna, I somehow neglected her needs. Maybe all of this irrational, but I can't help it.

Please keep us in your thoughts over the next few days. I am going to let Tessa pick a place for lunch on Wednesday to treat her after the marathon testing session. I will definitely post an update when we know something.