Sometimes, it just hits you. The grief and pain sneak up on you out of the blue when you are least expecting it.
Today, while cooking supper, I was half watching Ghost Whisperer on the WE network. I love this show. I had never watched it before because I'm not home on Friday nights to see it, but I just discovered it a few weeks ago and love it. Since losing Jenna, my faith has gone (and for all of my friends who are Christians, you will be glad to hear that I think it might be slowly coming back), and all of Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt's character) talk of the light is really how I feel most of the time about what happens after we die.
I was only half watching tonight's episode, but from what I could gather, a little girl was being followed by the ghost of her mother. It turns out, the woman she thought was her mother wasn't at all. She had been kidnapped as a baby. The woman who kidnapped her had lost a baby at birth.
Ok, first it's time for a little rant. Deadbabymommas aren't anymore likely to kidnap or kill babies. Television shows just portray us as crazy after we lose our babies, and maybe we are a little. But, we would never, ever want to inflict that kind of pain on another momma. I hate it when a television show uses this as a storyline. Seriously, it makes me cringe and my skin crawl. Television shows don't portray all grieving people this way. I doubt there has ever been a storyline where a person has kidnapped a mother figure after their own mother died. Ok, end of rant.
At the end of the episode, the ghost saw the light. She was a little scared to go into it because of what she had done (kidnapping the baby), but then, she puts her hand over her mouth and tears fill her eyes. She says, "I see my baby girl."
I lost it. I went into the kitchen and had a quick cry. I think one of the reasons I haven't totally given up my faith is because I don't want to let go of the belief that I will see Jenna and my granny again. I like to think they are waiting for me with Granny rocking Jenna until I can do it myself.
It's been almost two years, and I am still moved to tears by the thought of seeing my baby girl again. I am happy, and I go through life with joy and peace. I don't dwell on her loss, even though I do think of her every day. Tonight just emphasized once again that while it does get better with time, the pain is never truly gone. I will always miss her.