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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Still mad at my inlaws

My inlaws did not travel here for Jenna's memorial service. They didn't even call on the day it was held to check on us. Their friends, who have known Brian all his life, weren't able to attend because the wife has been ill lately, but they still called us. I wish they were Brian's parents, instead of the ones he had. His own brother didn't even call us.

His mom hasn't said one word to me. They sent us a card before Jenna died, but it was addressed to Brian only. My name wasn't even on the card. She sent a package to Tessa the other day. It was a hopscotch rug. In the bottom of the package was a sack of dress shirts for Brian. Guess what? Nothing for me. When she calls, she doesn't ask to speak to me. When I answer the phone, she asks to speak to Brian and doesn't say anything at all. I never expected my father-in-law to speak to me, because he hardly even talks to Brian.

They've always been asses to me, and I've pretty much taken it. But, them not coming to Jenna's memorial service was the straw that broke the camel's back. His mother's excuse was that her nephew was dying from cancer and could go at any minute. Guess when he died? Last Sunday, nearly a month after Jenna's memorial service. His dad's excuse was that he just didn't do funerals.

When Brian and I were talking about it today, he said, "My dad didn't go to Gene's funeral." Gene is his cousin, the one who was dying from cancer. I told him that Jenna was their grandchild and should have been there. I said, "What about if it had been Tessa? Would they have come?"

He said, "My mom might have, but Dad wouldn't." How sad is that? I just can't imagine. The idea of not showing up for a loved ones funeral is foreign to me, especially if it's a little one. My mom and stepdad came to the hospital when Jenna was born. They called everyday to see how I was feeling. They might live closer, but I would think the death of your granddaughter would make you come running.

So, Brian tells me today that his mom wants us to come visit before the end of the year. I told him I wasn't going and that I was still mad at them and didn't know when I would get over if I ever would. He said that he and Tessa could go and visit while I stay here. That's not going to work either. I'm not letting him take her down there to be around those people. They obviously don't care very much about any of us, so why should I allow her to go around them?

Maybe I'm being petty, but at this point, I don't care. They've hurt me more than once, and I'm not going to take it anymore.


jenfnolf said...

Yeah, my inlaw didn't come to Lily's memorial either. Nor did they send flowers or a all of our other loved ones did for us. They lost a baby during labor 42 years ago, and they are just the types that get over death quickly or its just something personal that they keep to themselves. My MIL even told my hubby that eventually people will get sick of hearing about Lily everytime they talk to us..I mean Hello, she was our child!!! People can just be to them if you think it will help, but be prepared if you still don't get the desired response. Hope you have a good day~

Megan said...

I can't imagine being in your shoes. How truly sad that they are so apparently selfish. We have problems with my FIL & his wife, though certainly not to this extreme. As hard as it is we try to shrug them off and keep the focus on how great my parents and MIL are. I hope you can find some resolution or peace with this!

Beth said...

Oh Tamara, I am so sorry. My in-laws have actually been really great about everything, but your in-laws sound like my dad. He and I sort of have a strained relationship in the first place, but he has only called me one time since we lost the baby in July. (And he did not call on my birthday.) He asks how I am doing, but he doesn't seem to be sad at all about the loss of Ada. I don't think he's ever looked at her picture or anything. He avoids pain. Whenever we would watch Gone with the wind, he would have to leave the room during the scene when the little girl died. I think he's just not able to deal with any pain...maybe that's the same problem your in-laws have. Maybe they just don't know how to deal with Jenna's loss because it would hurt if they did. That doesn't doesn't excuse their actions, but maybe it helps explain them a little. I don't think that's emotionally healthy at all, by the way.

The Adventures of Jing & Ying said...

My in-laws were similar. It's like they didn't see Chloe as real since she died when I was 24 weeks pg.

FWIW, I haven't been to my in-laws house in a year. DH is there right now, visiting them. He brought a friend because he knows I don't want to go.

SteveandHeatherMerkley said...

I sympathize with you. When I had my stillbirth in May of this year, my mother-in-law was astonished that I would hold a graveside service. She wanted the hospital to dispose of my baby (as trash). This should be a interesting holidays ahead. I have severed the ties, but respect my husband for wanting to stay in tune with them.