Going against doctors orders -- sort of

When we went in for our two week check-up, Dr. McGowen advised us to wait two or three cycles before trying to conceive. She said there is no proof that it is dangerous not to wait or that the chances of miscarriage are any higher, but she wanted us to have time to recover both physically and emotionally.

Now that I've had one cycle, and it's been almost two months since Jenna died, I don't want to wait. I am not over Jenna's death and won't ever completely be. This has changed me for the rest of my life, not just her death, but the whole experience. If I waited until I was emotionally healed, it would never happen.

I'm feeling very good physically, better than I've felt in a long time. I'm down 33 pounds and walk every day. I'm eating better, and I've cut out most of my sugar. I think I'm going to do a more regimented exercise routine though because I want to take off a few more pounds before we do get pregnant. I'm taking Metformin, prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid.

So, this cycle we are going to trying to conceive, but not, if that makes any sense. I'm not going to use my fertility monitor, but I am going to take my temperatures. We aren't going to use any birth control at all, and we are going to have sex on the right days. I doubt it will work this time, because we have been married for 10 years and have never used birth control at all, except for the past few weeks. The only time I have ever been pregnant is when I took Clomid.

Next month, we will be using the fertility monitor and taking my temperatures. When that doesn't work, I'll call the doctor for a prescription of Clomid.

I just hope it works in the end. I have this fear of not being able to get pregnant again. I am so afraid that Tessa will be an only child, and I will always feel like our family is incomplete. I'm also scared that we will be able to get pregnant, but something bad will happen again. I don't think I can take that.