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Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I wish I didn't worry

I have always been a worrier. When Tessa was a baby, I checked on her all the time. We even co-slept because her bedroom was at the other side of the house, and I was so scared someone would come in and get her. Over the last five years, I have relaxed somewhat and will even allow her to play outside by herself.

All that has changed now. My worries have come back full-fold since Jenna was diagnosed and died from Trisomy 18. I now know bad things do happen, and the worry isn't for nothing.

Today was Tessa's first full day of kindergarten. She went for three half days before the school system closed for the National Tennessee Walking Horse Celebration. I didn't cry too much on her first day of school. I think I was still numb from losing Jenna, but this morning, I cried.

It was so hard turning her over to a stranger, a stranger who is going to be with her all day long. My aunt kept her all day until she started preschool, and then she stayed there after her half day at preschool was over. She has never been kept for that length of time by anyone other than family.

I know they won't watch her and love her like my family and I have. I knew that about preschool, too, but that was before Trisomy 18 and Jenna's death. It also wasn't all day.

The worst part of it is she has to ride the bus home from school. School buses don't have car seats or seat belts, and she's still a tiny little thing. Also, we live on a cul-de-sac, and the bus has no room to turn around if it comes down our road. So, she will have to get off the bus, walk in front of it on a large highway and walk down to my aunt's house, which is all the way at the end of the road.

Our neighbor's son rides the bus home, and I told her this morning to hold his and be sure to look both ways. I'm terrified of her getting hit by a car, but she told me last night, "Don't worry, momma. I'll be fine. Don't you trust me?"

I told her I trusted her but not the drivers on the road. I wish I could be one of those parents who don't worry, but I will never be that way, not since Trisomy 18 cast a cloud over our home.

1 comment:

Beth said...

I sort of know what you mean. I don't have any other children, but I know that I am going to be super worried with my next pregnancy. There are things that I did last time that I am 99.9% sure did not have anything to do with Ada's death, but but next time I'm not taking any chances. I think eventually though, we will begin to look forward and not be so hung up on all of the bad things that could happen.