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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I am angry

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the five stages of grief in her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying." The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

According to her, not everyone who is grieving will go through all five stages. People also don't go through them in particular order. I think I went through the bargaining phase early on. I can't think how many times I said, "Please let us have a miracle; I'll do anything for a miracle." Of course, we didn't get our miracle.

I also went through a period of denial. This happened after we weren't able to end the pregnancy early. Very often, I thought, "I would have been able to terminate if she had really been sick. That was a sign that we're going to get a miracle, and she'll be fine." Of course, I found out Aug. 11 this wasn't the case. She had passed on her own.

I'm still in the middle of a depression, but it's not as much as what I'm feeling now. I'm angry. I'm furious. I'm mad. I want to pitch a fit, punch holes in the hall, break plates, hit someone, but I know I can't. I'm so confused about what I'm angry about. Why did she have to have Trisomy 18? Why my baby? Why not the baby of some crackhead whore who shouldn't have been pregnant in the first place? After I think that one, I then feel guilty, which just makes me even angrier.

I am also angry I wasn't able to end my pregnancy. If a woman simply doesn't want a baby, she can go to any clinic in the state to have it done, as long as it's in the first trimester. Most prenatal testing is done after the first trimester, especially amniocentesis, which is one of the most accurate ones. I wanted to spare my baby of a life of pain, but I had to travel out of state to do it, had to slip away as though I was doing something wrong. I felt I was being punished. Where was my choice in all of this? Whenever I hear someone say they are supporting McCain and Palin in the election, I just want to shout at them. I want to yell, "Because of politicians like the two of them, I didn't have a choice. I had to take the chance of subjecting a much loved and much wanted baby to a life of pain."

I'm angry when I read about pro-life stances. If I had ended my pregnancy due to the Trisomy 18, it would not have affected anyone else except for my immediate family members, who all supported me in my decision. Where was my choice? Politicians and pro-lifer's took away that choice. They had a choice, the choice not to have an abortion. My rights were taken away from me.

And, I'm angry I had no control over my situation. I wasn't able to make choices that were right for my family. Decisions were taken out of my hands and put into those of the lawmakers. Why and how is this right? We are more humane to our animals than we are to our children and the sick. I'm angry about that as well.

Another part of me is angry I wasn't able to carry to term. This is where confusion reigns. Why should I be angry that I didn't carry to term when I wanted to end my pregnancy early? I don't know why, but I am. If I couldn't end it, I wanted to see her as a full-term baby and have that extra time with her. Even a minute would have been better than nothing. But, if I wanted to end the pregnancy early, why am I feeling this way? Even the confusion is making me angry.

I'm angry December won't be a good month for me. It was already ruined because of granny dying, but I thought Jenna's arrival would make things better. Now, I don't know how I'm going to get through Christmas, with everyone happy to be celebrating the season and me thinking of all I lost when Jenna died. And I know I'll have to put on a happy face for everyone else when I'm dying inside, and I'm angry about that, too.

I'm angry people actually think they know what they would do in this situation when they've never been there. I'm tired of hearing, "I would just let God handle it," or "I think I would carry to term so I could meet her." Those statements make me angry. Anger fills me, and I have to fight not to shout at them. They have no clue what they would do, none at all, not until they've been there.

No one wants to talk about Jenna or my loss, and this makes me angry, too. I want to talk about it. Talking about it makes me feel better. When I talk about her, I'm able to keep her memory alive. Tessa told me yesterday, "I want a little brother or a sister."

I said, "You have a sister, Jenna. Remember?"

And, she said, "But, I didn't get to meet her. I want one here."

It makes me angry that she'll probably forget about her little sister and might not even remember this time. I'm angry she didn't get to meet her sister.

I hate feeling angry. Being angry over all these things just make me feel even angrier. I'm usually the happy-go-lucky person who looks for the best in everything but not lately. Lately, all I can see is the anger. It even clouds the good things, the going back to school, the weight loss. I want to be out of this stage soon.


Anonymous said...

I hear you and feel your pain on a million different levels. It is NOT fair. I am angry too. I am especially angry at the people who choose to make comments about what would they do. How the hell do they know what they would do? I also hate "it was for the best?" Says who? Anyway, I think all these feelings we have are normal and no one else will understand because they are not the mother of our children. I don't think they say these things to be nasty, although I am sure a few of them do, but they just don't know what to say. It's sad but some people are just socially unable to just say "I am sorry for the loss of your precious baby."

Beth said...

Oh Tamara, I am so sorry you're going through this. My situation was very different from yours, but I completely see where you're coming from. I actually had a friend go through a similar situation, and they had to go out of state to terminate the pregnancy - and they vote Republican! I just don't understand some people. Anyway, you have every right to be angry about those things. And I know what you mean about not being able to talk about Jenna. It makes me upset when I want to mention the fact that I had a baby this summer to my students (the ones I didn't know last year) but I realize it's probably "inappropriate" in the eyes of school administrators. I hate that there's a huge part of my life that people don't know about. Anyway, I just want you to know that I am listening whenever you talk about Jenna. :)

Hollie said...

I so know how you feel hun. I went through a point where I honestly didn't know what stage I was in!
It was like I had gone through all of them within 2 weeks, and kept going back and forth between them. It's crazy! I think it's because this is still so new to us.
As time goes on, I think we'll experience the stages how we're supposed to. Only time will tell though.

I know what you mean about people not wanting to talk about it. I hate that!! I know it can make people uncomfortable, but we want them to know that it's OK! We want to talk about our angels, and they just don't get that.
I've had to tell my friends numerous times not to be afraid to bring up Cameron or ask questions.
Once you say something to them, it's all up to them whether or not they want to bring it up. I've found that when you talk to them about it and let them know it's OK, they are more at ease with it.