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Monday, September 22, 2008

Out of the blue

I have been having several good days in a row. I wasn't crying much at all, and I saw my counselor this morning without shedding a tear. All of that changed with an out of the blue moment.

Today, a co-worker/friend and I decided to go to lunch. She asked me if it would be all right for her teenage daughter to come. Her daughter has a four month old baby girl. I told her that it would be fine, that it's usually only new babies that bother me.

She had to go to the police department to pick up police reports and see if anything interesting had happened that she could write about, so we decided to meet over there. I got there a little early, and the waitress put me at a table. Right in front of me were two women with a brand new baby girl.

I thought about asking the waitress to move me, but I knew I needed to suck it up and just sit there. So, I stayed. I tried not to look at her. Then, my friend's daughter came in with her baby girl, a beautiful sweet baby, so little and feminine. My heart started breaking, but I tried not to let it show.

I did pretty well until the baby at the next table woke up and wanted to be held. The mother picked her up and put her on her shoulder, with the baby facing me. I had to see all the stretches, sweet little faces, movements this baby made. My friend asked the mother how old the baby was, and she was six weeks old.

Tomorrow is six weeks since Jenna was born. It hit me like a ton of bricks all over again, out of the blue. I was never going to see my baby make those faces, would never get to hear her cry out for me, no stretching and no crying. I am missing out on so much.

I left the restaurant early because my eyes kept filling up with tears. I always turned away so they wouldn't see it. I told my friend I had to get a prescription filled. Part of it, I brought on myself because I said the baby could come, but I didn't know there would be a brand new baby in front of me. When I was walking out, I saw a pregnant woman and two more babies. I wanted to run to my car.

Will this sensitivity ever go away? I can't expect people to quit living life and having babies just because mine died. I can't stop going out because of it. I supposed I'll just have to get used to it.


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

It will get better, I don't know if it will ever totally go away, but it will get better. I'm over 7 mos away from my loss and still get those pangs when I see babies, but they're not nearly as deep as they were in the beginning. Hang in there((Hugs))Kara

jenfnolf said...

I'm so sorry love!! Those moments will always pop-up I'm sure, but hopefully the pain will lessen with time (I'm hoping anyway). Allow yourself to cry~I told my hubby on Saturday that I was just so angry that I wanted to hit something, so he held up one of our down pillows and let me wallop on it until I was exhausted. It felt wonderful. I hope you have a better day and many hugs to you!