Afraid of comments

A few weeks ago, I posted about how much I regretted not having Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come to the hospital to take pictures of Jenna. The photographs the nurses took aren't that great, and I wish I had something better to show to people.

The co-founder of NILMDTS contacted me and asked me to send her the photographs through e-mail. Our scanner at home doesn't work, so I knew I would have to bring them to work with me.

However, I haven't been able to find the courage to do so. I don't know a whole lot about using the scanner here. It's a little more high tech than the one I have at home. There are only two people who know how to use the scanner here. I'm afraid of hearing the comments about how bad she looked.

One of the people is a good friend of mine, and I know he would probably wouldn't say anything. But, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and I think the pictures probably would. I am sure he would do it for me if I asked, whether it made him uncomfortable or not, but I couldn't find the courage to ask him.

The other person can be incredibly insensitive without meaning to be. She tries very hard, but I don't think she realizes how she comes across. For example, the day after we got the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 for Jenna, she came up to me and asked me what our options were. First of all, I was still processing the devastating news that my child was going to die. Second of all, it really wasn't any of her business. I told her what our options were, and she said, "I think I would carrying her for as long as I could, so maybe I would have the chance to get to know her." Blah, blah, blah, sorry but you don't know what you would do in this situation until you've been there. I know she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but every nerve in my body was sensitive at that point. I knew which way I was leaning at that point, so I really didn't need her to give me what she thought was another viewpoint.

So, I know she would have something insensitive to say, without meaning to. She just doesn't realize how she sounds when she opens her mouth. Rita, another co-worker, who is also a close friend, told her not to ask me a hundred times a day how I was doing when I came back. Have I ever said how much I love Rita!!! I didn't need to be asked that over and over again. The first day I was back, I fought tears the entire time. It wouldn't have been pretty if she asked me that a thousand times.

So, today, I'm finding the courage to ask Justin to scan the pictures. He won't make insensitive comments, and I'll know he'll do it. I'm finding courage for all sorts of things lately.