Bad news

I have not posted since I had the amniocentesis done. I just didn't have it in me. Last Wednesday, we found out that the initial FSH results showed Trisomy 18. The full results came back the same. Our precious baby girl has this terrible disorder.

We decided we had to give her a name right away. I said something about Mary Grace, but "T" said she didn't like it. She liked Jenna Grace better, so that is what her name will be. I feel like she will never get to know her sister, so this may be one way she can feel close to her.

We spoke to our ob/gyn yesterday. She told us the baby will be severely affected by the Trisomy 18. She has clubbed feet and the cystic hygroma had grown since the first level 2 ultrasound. My amniotic fluid is very low, indicating a problem with her kidneys. She will suffer if she makes it through birth.

I just can't do that to a child of mine. I can't bring her into the world, which is already hard enough, only to hurt and be in pain and never be able to understand why she is hurting. It isn't fair to her, and it's not fair to "B" and I or to "T".

I wish I had the strength to carry to term, but I don't. I'm not that strong. Every kick is a cruel reminder that I'm not going to go home with a child in December, that she will never grow up and never be whole. How can I stand that for the next five months? I can't do it. It would drive me crazy.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. I'm not sleeping well at all. I wake up, and the first thing I think of is my baby and whether she is still alive or not. If I don't feel her move, I wonder the same thing. I know I can't do this for the next five months.

So, we are ending the pregnancy early. I hate the word terminate or abortion. To me, that implies that this is something we wanted to do, that we had a choice. We don't, not for us. We would not be ending this pregnancy if this disease was compatible with life, but it's not.

I will have to travel to Atlanta, which is whole other post in itself. I will write more about that later.

I just wanted to say that right now, I need support, not judgment. Even those who don't agree with what I'm doing have to know that I'm doing this out of love for my child and that it hurts me to end a much wanted pregnancy.