Getting so nervous

The closer we get to Friday, the more nervous I become. I have to admit that I'm scared of having the amnio done, not just because of the pain, but also because of some of the risks. I know they are minute, but what if this is a healthy pregnancy and I miscarriage? I would hate myself forever.

Also, as long as I haven't had the test, I can pretend that everything is ok. But, the not knowing is also driving me crazy. I want to start planning. I want to pick out things for the nursery. I want to buy equipment, and I want to pick a name. I just want to be happy in this pregnancy.

Even though this baby is very much wanted (and even though we did have help conceiving), I was in disbelief when I found out I was pregnant, and even scared to be honest. I had my moments of "What the hell was I thinking?" I mean, "T" is starting kindergarten, and we were beginning all over again with this baby. Now, I'm wondering if those thoughts caused this. I know, I know, it's stupid and it's just guilt, but I can't help it.

"B" says when he's dreamed of this baby, he's dreamed of a blank face. I haven't had any kind of intuition about whether this is a girl or a boy, even though I knew from the beginning that "T" was a girl. Both of these things scare me. I don't understand why Trisomy 18 has to exist at all.