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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Prayers, positive thoughts, whatever needed

I'm going in three hours for the level 2 ultrasound and then will be meeting with perinatologist later. Right now, I have so many thoughts running through my head.

I'm trying to decide whether to have the amnio even if the ultrasound doesn't show any markers. Even if the baby doesn't have any of the signs, it is still possible for it to have Trisomy 18. Not having any signs brings the chances down to 1 out of 200, but the chance is still there. The ultrasound is not conclusive.

The amnio carries some risk, but I've read the risks are lower than they originally thought. It can cause miscarriage or infection. I'm also scared of the pain. I'm a big chicken. But, the thing is, I need to know so I can prepare "T." She is so over the moon about this baby that I have to tell her it won't make it.

Then, there are so many options available if the baby does have it. Should I try to carry to term only to allow it to die? Should I end the pregnancy? Can I even do that? I'd have to have the amnio to be totally sure before I could.

If the baby does have it, how do I prepare "T." She knows about death because of Granny dying back in December. But, I don't think she realizes babies can die, too. I know this will hurt her so much because she wants a baby brother or sister so much. She talks to my belly and tells it she loves it every day. It brings tears to my eyes when she does it, and even more so now.

Then, I'm also trying to think positive. The baby might not have it. Everything could be just fine, and I might be able to find out the sex today. At least, I'll get to see the baby in detail for a long time.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few hours. I sort of wish I had gone into work even for just an hour or so. Of course, I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. "B" is home now and cooking breakfast for us. I think he is using that to take his mind off of it.

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