Scared of labor

My labor with Tessa was horrible. I went into the hospital with contractions so bad I couldn't speak through them. When they checked me, I was only one centimeter dilated. The nurse hooked me up to the machine, which wasn't registering any pain. She told me that I wasn't hurting, and they would be sending me home. I finally convinced her to move the monitor down to where the pain was, and the contractions were off the chart.

She asked me if I wanted something for pain, and thinking it going to be the epidural, I said yes. I was wrong. I was given the drug from hell -- Stadol. I will never take it again. My family said I was like the girl from the Exorcist. One minute, I was fine, the next, I acted as though I was possessed. I cursed at them, yelled at them and cried. It just wasn't like me. Besides that, it took away most of my memories of the night.

Then, my blood pressure shot up, and they told my DH and my family that I was at stroke level. They started the magnesium drip, which of course, just added to my woozy feeling and my failing memory. The first bag failed to bring down my blood pressure and it stayed up until 12 hours after "T" was born. I had to stay in the delivery room for 12 hours because of it.

After they broke my water, they discovered meconium, or the fact that "T" had her first bowel movement while in the womb. Her heart rate was also dropping, but when the doctor would tickle her head, it shot back up. She decided I didn't need a C-section. Later, I found out from my regular doctor, who was not on call that night, that I should have had one anyway, due to my blood pressure. I wish she had been on call.

When it came time to deliver "T," I was in so much pain despite the epidural. The nurse said she was laying on a nerve, and the only way to get rid of the pain was to deliver the baby. So, I pushed as hard as I could, and her head was delivered. The only problem was that the doctor was out in the hallway, having a cup of coffee, and I tore both up and down. My doctor later told me that it was worse than a second degree tear but not as bad as a third degree.

Because of the doctor not being there, "T" aspirated on the meconium and had to spend four hours in the NICU. That's not a long time but for a new momma who had tried for three years, it was a lifetime.

That night traumatized most of my family. My momma passed out in the hallway after I got my epidural. "B" sat in the corner with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth, he was so scared. Momma was actually mad when I told her I was pregnant because she is so scared something will happen to me. Part of the reason we waited so long before having another baby was my fear of labor.

I can't go through this again. Every time I think about having this baby, I can feel a panic attack coming on. I know one part of it will be avoided because I will not be taking Stadol this time. But, I can't do anything to prevent pre-eclampsia. It either happens, or it doesn't.

I know it sounds silly, but I think being induced, and knowing for sure that I will be, will help cut down on my anxiety. I felt like I had no control last time. The pain overtook me, along with the meds, and I was just out of it. I feel like if I go in and get pitocin, I can get the epidural as soon as I want it. I'm thinking if we do get induced, I won't start out with the off the charts contractions. I could be wrong, but it will make me feel better.

In the end, all that matters is that I have a healthy baby. "T" was healthy, even though she could have gotten very sick from aspirating the meconium. It was worth it, but I just don't want to have to do it again, not like that, anyway.