Making a change in wording

Since I first started getting this law changed, I've differentiated between terminating for a poor prenatal diagnosis and for a fatal one. I knew in Tennessee I would never get support if I worded it "life of the mother, poor prenatal diagnosis and rape and incest," because many believe you should only terminate if the condition is fatal.

But, I posted on a discussion board I frequent, and someone I have great regard for gently pointed out that by doing so I am offending those who terminated for a non-fatal poor prenatal diagnosis. I wouldn't want to do that. Believe me, I know they are hurting bad enough without them taking what I said the wrong thing and thinking I'm condemning them when I'm not.

I fully believe that anyone who receives a poor prenatal diagnosis has to take everything into consideration and make the decision that is right for their family, whether that is to carry to term or say goodbye early. I don't believe anyone has the right to tell that family what they have to do in this situation, because as I've said, it's all about making healthcare choices for their children.

If I've offended anyone here, please let me apologize. That is not my intent at all. From now on, even in correspondence with those who could help me change the law, I'm going to use the terms "poor prenatal diagnosis." No one should be forced to make the wrong decision for their child when it comes to healthcare, and this includes the unborn with a poor diagnosis.

My letter writing campaign

When Jenna was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to decide whether to end the pregnancy early or carry to term. I wanted to spare her a life of pain, but how could I end the life of much-wanted, much-loved child?

When I made my decision to end the pregnancy early, I likened it to turning off the life support on a brain-dead child. My body was Jenna's life support, and by ending the pregnancy, I was turning it off and giving her a chance to die with dignity and not suffer. However, as all of my long-time readers know, I wasn't able to terminate due to state law.

I've been reading up on the laws in Tennessee. They are absolutely horrid when it comes to a woman's right to choose. The law states that all abortions in the second trimester be done in a hospital, but the law also states that doctors and hospitals can refuse to perform them. How is it right for a hospital to deny me treatment that I want and feel I need? The law about hospitals and doctors doesn't even offer an exemption in the life of the mother. What about in the case of pre-eclampsia at 20 weeks? Would the woman have to die because a hospital refuses to take the baby?

These laws have to be changed. They absolutely can not stay as they are written. An exception has to be added to the state laws for the cases of a fatal pre-natal diagnosis, rape or incest and the health of the mother. I believe all women should have the right to choose, but these special circumstances should be the exceptions for these laws.

According to the NARAL Pro-Choice Web site, Tennessee ranks a dismal D+ in reproductive rights for women. That has to change, for you, for me, for our daughters and for all those sick unborn babies who will have to suffer if they are brought to term.

So, I am starting a letter writing campaign. I found out that our state representative is Democrat, however, he is also pro-life and so is the Republican candidate. Most of our state leaders are pro-life. It's going to be a hard road to go, but I have to do it. This will be Jenna's legacy.

Bad news

I have not posted since I had the amniocentesis done. I just didn't have it in me. Last Wednesday, we found out that the initial FSH results showed Trisomy 18. The full results came back the same. Our precious baby girl has this terrible disorder.

We decided we had to give her a name right away. I said something about Mary Grace, but "T" said she didn't like it. She liked Jenna Grace better, so that is what her name will be. I feel like she will never get to know her sister, so this may be one way she can feel close to her.

We spoke to our ob/gyn yesterday. She told us the baby will be severely affected by the Trisomy 18. She has clubbed feet and the cystic hygroma had grown since the first level 2 ultrasound. My amniotic fluid is very low, indicating a problem with her kidneys. She will suffer if she makes it through birth.

I just can't do that to a child of mine. I can't bring her into the world, which is already hard enough, only to hurt and be in pain and never be able to understand why she is hurting. It isn't fair to her, and it's not fair to "B" and I or to "T".

I wish I had the strength to carry to term, but I don't. I'm not that strong. Every kick is a cruel reminder that I'm not going to go home with a child in December, that she will never grow up and never be whole. How can I stand that for the next five months? I can't do it. It would drive me crazy.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. I'm not sleeping well at all. I wake up, and the first thing I think of is my baby and whether she is still alive or not. If I don't feel her move, I wonder the same thing. I know I can't do this for the next five months.

So, we are ending the pregnancy early. I hate the word terminate or abortion. To me, that implies that this is something we wanted to do, that we had a choice. We don't, not for us. We would not be ending this pregnancy if this disease was compatible with life, but it's not.

I will have to travel to Atlanta, which is whole other post in itself. I will write more about that later.

I just wanted to say that right now, I need support, not judgment. Even those who don't agree with what I'm doing have to know that I'm doing this out of love for my child and that it hurts me to end a much wanted pregnancy.