Missing my granny

We've been really lucky in my family. No one in my generation has ever lost a baby. None of my mother's siblings ever lost a child either. Her first cousin's little girl died of a brain tumor, but that was several years before I was born.

My granny, however, lost two. Her first-born son, Ronnie, died due to a heart defect. Back then, they called them blue babies. He had a hole in his heart, and in the 1940s, medical technology wasn't modern enough to correct it. She told me many times about him, about his birth, how they discovered it, and the day he died. He didn't really die from the hole in his heart. Instead, he contracted pneumonia, and she tried to get him to a doctor to help him. But, even if she had, he had no hope. She found out not long after he died that she was pregnant again -- with my uncle. Losing Ronnie broke her heart, but she knew she had to go on for her older two daughters and the one she was carrying.

His death affected her for the rest of her life. She always worried over the boys in the family and their health. Not to say she didn't worry about us girls, but the boys, well, she thought they were fragile. I think she knew the girls took after her and were stubborn and strong.

She also lost her last baby, a little girl. She hadn't felt the baby move for a while and went to the doctor, who couldn't find the heartbeat and knew the baby had died. The cord wrapped around the baby's neck and killed her. Her doctor thought it would be better if Granny went into labor naturally and didn't take the baby. She carried the baby around, dead, for the next month. I admire her strength. I'm not sure I could do that. Of course, the baby was born still, and she grieved for her, too. Granny didn't mind talking to me about most things, but she never said much about this last baby. If she had lived, her name would have been Nancy Elizabeth, after Granny's momma.

If Granny was still here with us, I'm not sure what she would say to me. Honestly, she probably wouldn't have to say anything to me at all. She'd just take my hand and give it a squeeze or wrap her arms around me and just hold me. Sometimes no words are needed between two people who love each other. I really miss her hands and can sometimes still feel them holding mine. Hopefully, I'll be able to feel them Friday when I go for the amnio.

Here's my granny in better days before she got sick.