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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Feeling extremely bitter and guilty

This has been a rough week and day for me. I'm pretty sure Jenna would have been born today because Dr. McGowen said she would induce me a week early due to the fact I had pre-eclampsia with Tessa. I also started my period today, leaving no doubt that I'm not pregnant.

Tonight, I called one of my best friends to confirm our lunch plans for tomorrow. She said she had just put her granddaughter down for the night. I asked her if her daughter was at work, and she said no. I could hear the tears in her voice as she explained that her granddaughter had been taken away from her mother due to the fact she was doing drugs and providing an unsafe place for the baby.

I feel bad for my friend. She told me she almost hates her daughter for what she's done. Well, so do I. She has a beautiful six-month-old baby girl, and she threw her away. When DHS said she could have her back if she went to drug rehab, she wouldn't do it. I would give anything to have my baby girl here with me, but she wouldn't. My baby is in an urn on a shelf in my living room, not in my arms. Her baby could be with her if only she had done the right thing. Does she even know what she's giving up?

I know I'm a terrible person for thinking this, but I keep wondering why my baby had to die and her baby lived, especially since she isn't willing to do anything to keep her. I feel so guilty for thinking that, but I can't help it. I'm angry and bitter. I'm mad my baby is an urn and not in my arms. I'm angry my friends daughter doesn't realize what a gift she has been given.

A healthy pregnancy and subsequent healthy baby is a gift, no matter how you want to look at it. She should be thanking everything she has her baby is healthy and holding her tight against her, but she would rather do drugs instead. I just don't get it.

I also feel guilty for thinking this way, but I keep wondering why couldn't her baby have been the one to have it instead of my Jenna. I feel like the lowest scum on Earth for feeling that way, but I can't help it. She had what I wanted and threw it all away.

1 comment:

Brenna's Mom said...

What your feeling is normal. I think every single one of us has had that thought. Even now, when I hear of someone who is a crappy mom I still think to myself "They get a baby but I don't?" (I will admit I'm not so bitter about it anymore- but the thought still creeps into my mind.)