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Monday, December 15, 2008

Bad mood lately

Lately, I've been in a terrible mood. I snap at everyone, and everything gets on my nerves. I know that part of it is because I went off my anti-depressants. I did so because we are trying to conceive, but I have decided to go back on them, at least until after the holidays and Jenna's due date.

I think that's even larger part of the problem -- the fact that Jenna's due date is coming up and I don't have a baby growing in my belly, waiting to be born. It just isn't fair.

It isn't fair that Casey Anthony was able to have a baby, only to kill her. It isn't fair that teenagers all over the world just have to jump in a backseat, and they are pregnant, when we have to jump through hurdles in order to achieve that goal. It isn't fair that I'm analyzing my basal body temperatures and my Fertility Friend chart to see if I've ovulated instead of analyzing every little symptom to see if I'm going into labor.

Saturday night, we went to eat, and I saw brand new twins. It isn't fair that she got two babies, and I came home with none. It isn't fair that I'm probably not pregnant this cycle, even though I truly wanted to be pregnant by my due date. It isn't fair that a mean girl I grew up with is now pregnant with her third child. I just want one more. Is that too much to ask?

It isn't fair that people try to get away from me when I share my story. They don't want to be around the sad woman, even though I try very hard not to portray that to the world.

I guess I'm feeling a little bitter right now. Jenna probably would have been born anyday now. Yesterday when the season finale of Survivor was aired, I thought it would have been funny if she had been born then, because Tessa was born on one of the season finales, and I made sure to watch it even though I had just given birth.

I have two more days until I can test if I ovulated according to when Fertility Friend said I did. I doubt I'm pregnant, but wish me luck. I think it might totally change these moods.


JenJen said...

Yeah, I look around at other woman and see all these kids running around or crying or filthy..and I get upset because I just want ONE!!
I'm taking my anti-depressant every other day in an attempt to get off, so we will see if I start to lose my mind...

Megan said...

(HUGS) to you!

Em said...

Tamara, I didn't have nearly the same experience (both my losses this year were early), but the time around the first due date was hard. I was in a funk and not much could shake it. Once I was safely on the other side of the due date, I was OK again. Not looking forward to round two in March.

Hang in there.

MegS said...

Hang in there Tamara. I'm sending you some hugs: OOOOOOOOO.

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I just wanted to share my anti-depressant experience with you. I started Zoloft after I lost Tyler and when I tried to quit (according to my dr's instructions), I snapped. I felt like I was really going crazy. Every single thing got on my nerves and I just wanted to scream. After a consult with Dr Google, I found that it's pretty common and found a better, slower way to get off. I'm down to 12.5mg every other day. Hope this helps, I know I hated feeling like I was that dependent on meds to function. But I'm not saying you have to get off them either, just wanted to share what happened to me.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

You are absolutely right, it isn't fair. I am very bitter too, seeing all the pregnant teens and such. I've been following the Anthony story since July when I was still pregnant and this woman makes me sick. I'm sorry you aren't pregnant right now and I agree that you should be concerned about going into labor, not your temperatures. Hugs.