My template

Monday, November 10, 2008

Summer memories

Tonight, I was watching television and saw a preview of the movie "Wall-E." It came out this summer, but I don't remember seeing a preview for it. I think I would because it is something that Tessa would want to see.

This made me think back to the summer months. Starting from the week after the Fourth of July until the end of August, I don't have that many memories. The one feeling I remember is desperation.

I was desperate to have the ultrasound done, then desperate to have the amniocentesis. Then, I was desperate to get the results, going so far to call and call until I could get them. I was desperate to end my pregnancy, to keep Jenna from feeling any pain. I was desperate to find the money to pay for it without wiping out our savings. After Atlanta, I was desperate to find another way to say goodbye early. When we decided to try and carry to term, I was desperate for a miracle, desperate for just a little time for her. After she died, I was desperate to get rid of the pain, which I now realize will never completely go away.

I don't remember ever feeling this desperate in my life. I bargained with a God I'm not sure I believe in. I cried. I went to work and forgot stories I was supposed to do, but somehow managed to still put out a quality section.

I don't remember anything we did as a family after we found out the diagnosis. I was collecting stories from the archive system at the newspaper after I was fired to have to use as clips, and I found several stories I don't really remember writing. I did a good job on them, but I barely remember doing the interviews.

I believe I was in a fog, the forgetfulness a defense mechanism to keep me sane. Those two months this summer nearly made me have a nervous breakdown. Thank goodness for Zoloft.

I remember wishing for the world to stop, to slow down, so I could think and make decisions. Everything moved too fast for me. I had stopped, and I believed everyone else should, too. Of course that didn't happen. I've been going to the Trisomy 18 Foundation support Web site, and seeing posts by parents with a new diagnosis just breaks my heart. I know exactly how they are feeling, and I wish no one would ever have to feel that way again.

Time did move on, and I'm healing. Life goes on. I'm doing better, but I sincerely hope I will never have to go through something like this again. I wish I could remember, too, because it's my few months with Jenna.

No comments: