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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

They just don't get it

Tonight, I was discussing politics with my two cousins. Both of them are for McCain and Palin, mainly because my cousin believes Palin will help those with special needs children. Anyway, I said I could never vote for her because it's politicians like her that took away my choices because of their pro-life stance.

They said that Palin isn't a politician. First of all, she's a politician because she has run for office. That makes her a politician. I think they are seeing what they want to see with her instead of how she really is.

Anyway, they went to address the issue of whether I had a choice or not. They said I had the choice to go to Atlanta and have it done, that it wasn't politicians that kept me from having done, but the people at the clinic who took it away from me. While that may be true, politicians were the ones who made the laws that forced me to have to go to Atlanta and go through that awful humiliation. I should have been able to deliver early by labor and delivery in the hospital of my choice with my own doctor. I told them that, too.

They went on to say they would want to do it as far away as possible so no one would know it, and they wouldn't have to see the place where it happened all the time. I hate it when people say they know what they would do. They don't. They have no clue what it's like to make a decision like that. They have no clue how it feels to decide to end the life of their child, so they have no clue about how they wanted it done. I certainly didn't want to go to an abortion clinic and sit around with a bunch of women who were happy about ending their pregnancies. My cousin said I would still have to see people no matter where I went, but I wouldn't have. I don't think she quite understood about what labor and deliver early termination is all about. I explained it to her and said that I wanted to be comfortable with my doctor at my own hospital. She said that I wouldn't be comfortable anywhere.

Then, she said, "At least you didn't have to make that choice. God took it out of your hands so you wouldn't feel guilty about it." First of all, I'm not even sure there is a God. I just can't believe a God of love would allow me to go through what I went through. I know there is a higher power, but I believe this power allows things to happen without interfering. I don't think he had a thing in the world to do with why I wasn't able to terminate, and it all turned out like it did.

Secondly, I am glad in a way that I didn't have to make the decision to stop Jenna's heart, because I know I would guiltier than I already do. The thing is, I should have had that choice, the choice to do it like I wanted and needed to in a comfortable environment of my choice. Hospitals should have to do this in the case of health of the mother, fatal prenatal diagnoses and rape and incest. I kept saying that I should have had that choice, and she kept saying that at least I didn't have to make that choice. I just started crying, and I told them that they would never understand and never get it.

Kim actually said, "I know, and I hope I never have to." The truth is, I don't want anyone to experience what I went through because of the laws in this state. We were lucky enough to be able to travel down there even if we weren't able to go through with it. But what about people who can't afford to travel? Shouldn't they be able to do it at the hospital of their choice?

Kim and Karen both said they would never change the law, because hospitals won't allow it. But with an amendment worded the way I want it to be, the hospitals would be forced to perform them and have doctors who will on standby in the case of the health of the mother, fatal prenatal diagnosis and rape or incest.

I got the feeling from them that maybe I'm being a little silly being so involved in this or maybe I'm going overboard and shouldn't feel as strongly as I do. Do you think it's silly that I'm fighting to change this law? I mean, even though I wasn't able to end the pregnancy, I should have been able to have that option. Shouldn't other women carrying sick babies have that right? I just want to make sure this will never happen to another woman, that she can choose the option that is best for her family without having to worry about traveling, finding care for her other children, missing work, paying for the procedure and the travel plans.

Am I foolish to think that I can get this changed? Am I going overboard? Do I have a right to be upset that I wasn't allowed to end the pregnancy since it ended before going to term?

They just don't get it. No one really can, not even other deadbabymamas unless they had to make the decision to terminate and then weren't able to do so. I tried to explain it to her, but she didn't get it. Is it just something you have to go through to be able to understand? Or maybe I'm being ridiculous after all.


Megan said...

I'm really sorry that you're going through so much turmoil. Hugs to you.

Beth said...

I don't think you're foolish to think that the laws might get changed, but I think it won't happen for a while.

I think the comment "I know, and I hope I never have to" was extremely insensitive. Yes, I hope nobody else has to go through what we have gone though, but they don't need to remind us of that. I've been told by a few people very close to me that they don't read my blog often or they won't look at videos or pictures that I do because it makes them "too sad." Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sad all the time. I don't get to choose when to turn it off. Nobody will ever understand us.

Anonymous said...

I don't think it is silly at all. I also get so aggravated when people tell me what they would do in my situation. You are so right... they don't know! The only ones that truly know are the ones that have suffered through it. And WE are always here for you. Hugs!

Violet said...

It is very interesting to read your point of view. Putting most of my spiritual beliefs aside, I feel it is morally wrong to end the life of a child, especially a perfectly healthy child. I am afraid that there is no healthy medium. Either abortion is completely legal, or it's not. I'm afraid someone like Obama would not just pass laws for women in your circumstance but, make it incredibly easy for anyone to have multiple abortions simply because they don't want to use birth control and also don't want a baby! And it has happened, it is happening.

Obama doesn't just support medical abortion, he voted against a law that gave rights to babies who survived certain methods of abortion. The law stated that these babies had a right to medical treatment, and humane handling. He voted against it 4 times. I think it is incredibly wrong to take a baby born alive, and dump it in a linen closest because it was NOT suppose to have survived an abortion. The ironic think, McCain actually voted against this law as well.

I also think that I need to make my choice on whom I vote for after considering multiple things. War, Economy, Taxes, etc. How is each candidate going to manage these things. The "christian" part of me wants to vote agains Obama because I am passionate about pro-life. But, government is about more than just that. And truthfully, I then can't vote for McCain because he is not COMPLETELY pro life.

Violet said...

I have a question for you that I would rather not publicize. Do you have a way of contact that I could ask you? Then, if you choose not to answer, I would not be offended. It is a questions I have wondered about but, have not been able to ask a person who could answer with experience.

Thank you!
Violet (

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I think what you would feel or do is something there's no way you know for sure until you have been there. If you feel like this is something you need to do, then do it! You have been there and you know the humiliation and hurt you went through -That's a place most of us haven't been, we never had to make that choice. Best wishes to you, you do whatever you feel is right, whether other people do or not.