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Friday, October 10, 2008

Just some thoughts

Lately, I've been reading blogs of women who decided to carry to term when given a poor prenatal diagnosis. I often wonder if they think they love their children more than I loved Jenna, since I wanted to end the pregnancy and would have if I had been able.

This leads me to feel guilt and think that maybe they did love their baby more than I loved Jenna, because if I really loved her, I would never have wanted to end the pregnancy. At times, I even feel sort of jealous of those ladies who had the strength to never even have the thought of ending the pregnancy.

I know, or at least I think I know deep down, the women who decided to carry to term don't think they love their children more. I'm sure they realize we all have to make what is the best choice for our families. I also know that I did love her. Even though not many people in real life know our story (the fact we traveled to Atlanta to do it and weren't able to), I feel like they are judging me when I say that I miss her or loved her. In fact, I'm waiting for someone in real life or on here or my boards I visit to say, "How can you say you loved her when you wanted to abort her?"

It's just not that simple. I did love her. She was my child, and I hated the thought that she could be in pain. That's the only reason I wanted to end the pregnancy. I've read on other boards that parents have to quit wanting the perfect child. For mre, it wasn't about wanting a perfect child. In fact, I hoped and hoped that if she did have a chromosome disorder it would be Down Syndrome or Turner Syndrome or one of the other non-fatal disorders. I didn't care if she was handicapped or disfigured; I just wanted a baby that was going to live. In fact, if the amniocentesis had shown normal chromosomes and the only problems were the cystic hygroma and clubbed foot, terminating would have never even been an option.

I don't want people thinking I didn't love her or that I don't have the right to grieve for her because I wanted to end the pregnancy. I did love her. I wanted her more than anything. I wish she was still inside me, moving around and healthy. I wish she was going to be my little Christmas present. So, please don't judge me because I wanted to end my pregnancy. I loved her so much that I didn't want her to be in pain. I didn't think I was strong enough to handle that.

To all those mothers who were given a fatal or poor prenatal diagnosis and decided to carry to term, I think you are probably some of the strongest women I know. I don't judge you for your decision, and I hope you don't judge me for mine. I think we (those of us with fatal diagnoses no matter what decision we make) have to stick together to get through the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to face.

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

I hope you know that you are not judged by me. I fully understand what a mother feels when she is told that her loved baby has something like Trisomy 18. I made my decision to continue Tiomthy's pregnancy after hours of prayers and tears. I will not even pretend that termination didn't enter my mind. It did. However, we felt like it wasn't the right option for us. I also know what it is like to have the medical community support only one decision and they make you feel like a terrible mother for continuing your pregnancy. It was hard to have doctors telling us over and over that we should terminate and that not only was it better for our baby but I could get very sick and even die if we choose to continue. This is hard stuff...either way.

Violet said...

Honestly, anyone who reads your blog and has half a heart, or takes the time to listen to you, can tell you TRULY LOVED Jenna with all that you had. I see it, and I believe it.

Blogs I have read about Christian women who decided to carry to term boiled it down to this:
If they believe in the God of the Bible, they believe he has the power to heal their child. If the child is terminated, you "take away" the opportunity for God to heal your child and you will never know if they would have been born healthy.

But, what if you DON'T believe in this God? It seems very reasonable to me why people would make the choice you did OUT OF LOVE. Of course you loved Jenna, and of course a mother does not want to see her child in pain. You made a choice the you felt in the best interest of your child.

You will always love your child.

And I never judged you for your decision :).

Erica said...

All I can say is that is more than obvious that you loved and still love your little Jenna with all of your broken heart. You are an amazing woman.

Em said...

I hope that with all you have been going through that you never, ever feel judged.