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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Is this weird?

Tonight, I bought a really cute new purse. I cleaned out my old one to switch to the new one. I had been carrying around the cards everyone sent me after she died. I was going to put them in the memory book I bought, which is still empty, but I couldn't do it. I wanted to keep them with me, so I put them in the new purse.

I also had her ultrasound pictures in there along with the pictures taken after she was born. I also couldn't make myself put them in the book. They went into the new purse, too.

I had all the reminder cards from my doctor's appointments in there. I didn't throw them away, like I did other reminder cards. I put them back in the new purse.

Besides having a very full and not very neat purse now, I also have a bag full of Jenna's memories. After she died and we had her cremated, I carried her urn with me for the next week, until the day of her memorial service. I now have it on an end table along with the picture Melissa drew for us and some of the angels we received the day of the service.

Is it weird that carrying all of those things with me make me feel closer to her? Should I force myself to give them up? Will that make me move through the grief I'm feeling? Is this kind of crutch a healthy thing? I don't know, but for now, I'm keeping them with me.


Beth said...

One thing my counselor has been telling me is that I shouldn't try to rush thought grief. If you still need all of those thing with you, I don't see anything wrong with that. You're grieving your daughter - there's no right or wrong way to do that. And there's no time limit.

That must be a big purse! :)

Anonymous said...

Hey there. You should do what is good for you. No one else can tell you how to handle your grief. I don't think it's wrong at all to want a piece of your precious Jenna with you. Hugs!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Keep those things with you. I'm glad you didn't just throw things away because you are "supposed" to let go. Go at your own pace and I hope you find comfort in having these items with you still. Hugs.

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

No, it's not weird in the least bit. One mom carried her baby's ashes in her purse for awhile. Sometimes we have to do whatever we need to do. There is no right or wrong thing to do. You will know when you are ready to take them out of your purse and put them somewhere else, and until then, they are just fine where they are!

Ashleigh said...

Whatever you need to do to feel your baby girl close to you, is what you need to do. Grieving is a horrendous process, and rushing through it won't make it any easier. You know what you need to do. Carrying pictures of Jenna is helping you and that's what you need to do. Do it. Who cares what anyone else thinks. She is your daughter and you need her close to you.

I stopped by the News to see you the other day, but didn't get there before you closed. Could we go to lunch sometime? I want to see you, and hear about Jenna from you. I understand it may take some time, but know I'm here whenever you are ready. I want to help you with your letter writing campaign any way I can. I believe in what you are doing. Love always, Ashleigh