One year ago tomorrow

One year ago tomorrow, our nightmare began. I got the call from Dr. McGowen herself that our test results came back in one in 10 for Trisomy 18.

I can still remember it like it was just yesterday. I was sitting at my desk at work, and she asked me if I could talk. I told her I was at work, and she wanted to know if I wanted to call her back later. I didn't. My co-workers (who I still miss to this day) were like family members to me. She then told me about the risk factors. I can remember saying, "That is the one they consider incompatible with life, right?"

Of course she said yes, and then she reminded me that the AFP test were notorious for false positives. She wanted me to go to the maternal fetal medical specialists upstairs and was going to try to get me in the next day.

I had to scramble to get someone to cover for me, but Justin, who will forever be my friend for the way he handled everything from then on, volunteered to help out. I'll never forget after we got confirmation of the diagnosis how he approached me and said, "I don't know what to say. I even went to the Trisomy 18 Web site to see what I could do, and I still don't know." He was 25 at the time. Most 25-year-old guys aren't really known for their sensitivity, but he was great.

I think I knew the results were going to be positive as soon as she said told me what the AFP risk factors were. I tried to convince myself and others nothing was wrong, but I knew it in my heart, especially after we had the ultrasound a day later.

So, it's been a year since our nightmare began. I am nowhere near the same person I was last year. I wish Jenna was here with me. I wish I had never had to experience Trisomy 18. I wish July and August were still good months for me, but I don't think they ever will be again. I wish I wasn't so paranoid about this pregnancy.

Even though I have this new baby growing inside me, I still miss Jenna. I know I always will.