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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

One year ago tomorrow

One year ago tomorrow, our nightmare began. I got the call from Dr. McGowen herself that our test results came back in one in 10 for Trisomy 18.

I can still remember it like it was just yesterday. I was sitting at my desk at work, and she asked me if I could talk. I told her I was at work, and she wanted to know if I wanted to call her back later. I didn't. My co-workers (who I still miss to this day) were like family members to me. She then told me about the risk factors. I can remember saying, "That is the one they consider incompatible with life, right?"

Of course she said yes, and then she reminded me that the AFP test were notorious for false positives. She wanted me to go to the maternal fetal medical specialists upstairs and was going to try to get me in the next day.

I had to scramble to get someone to cover for me, but Justin, who will forever be my friend for the way he handled everything from then on, volunteered to help out. I'll never forget after we got confirmation of the diagnosis how he approached me and said, "I don't know what to say. I even went to the Trisomy 18 Web site to see what I could do, and I still don't know." He was 25 at the time. Most 25-year-old guys aren't really known for their sensitivity, but he was great.

I think I knew the results were going to be positive as soon as she said told me what the AFP risk factors were. I tried to convince myself and others nothing was wrong, but I knew it in my heart, especially after we had the ultrasound a day later.

So, it's been a year since our nightmare began. I am nowhere near the same person I was last year. I wish Jenna was here with me. I wish I had never had to experience Trisomy 18. I wish July and August were still good months for me, but I don't think they ever will be again. I wish I wasn't so paranoid about this pregnancy.

Even though I have this new baby growing inside me, I still miss Jenna. I know I always will.


Bree said...

Just wanted to say that I will be thinking of you tomorrow. XXX

Mirna said...

I am glad you had 'angels' around you when you heard the bad news almost a year ago. It helps a teeny bit. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow - like I do everyday - and will in spirit hug you. :)

Beth said...

I think this is a hard time of year for a lot of us - we're all reliving our nightmares from last July. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad you had some sensitive people surrounding you. Being pregnant again doesn't make us miss our babies any less. I'm thinking about you and Jenna today.

Em said...

Tamara, you are in my thoughts tomorrow. . . and beyond.

Reese said...

The one person who did everything right by me when we lost our son was a 25 year old guy I worked with back in Michigan. I called him after I delivered Ronan and asked would he be willing to tell everyone there what had happened. It was a huge favor, but he did it and he went above and beyond. His honesty and willingness just to be quiet with me were instrumental in getting through those first few months.

I wish that the memories didn't sting so badly, but I pray every day for your heart to heal, and for this child to come to you safely.

Thinking of you---


marie said...

thinking of you tamara. take care of yourself.