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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Judgmental much?

I haven't posted about this in a long time, but I feel like I need to tonight. I was reading some posts on a Web site I visit, and someone made the comment that she didn't understand why those who chose to terminate a pregnancy due to poor prenatal diagnosis a loss since they chose to end their baby's life.

I didn't post in the thread, didn't call her out, although I could have. Someone else did, and she said she had gone through it and decided to carry to term. Why does she have to be so judgmental? Why do others who have made the decision to carry to term feel the need to be judgmental to those who have made the opposite decision?

In the last year (this weekend is the year anniversary of our disastrous trip to Atlanta), I've only seen one or two people who made the decision to carry to term who weren't judgmental of those who decided to terminate. I read one blog who said it was the easy road to take, another who said those who terminated just wanted perfect babies and then this post tonight which basically said they don't have the right to grieve for their babies.

Someone please answer this question for me and tell me why they are so judgmental. Those of us who terminated and those of us carried to term all have been in the same position; we just took different roads. One is not more difficult than the other; just different.

I have never told a parent who made the decision to carry to term that they needed to re-think their decision. I've never told them God doesn't grant miracles. I've never said they didn't care enough about their babies to keep them out of pain, and I've sure never said that their sick baby is a punishment for something they've done wrong.

But, when I was making the decision to travel to Atlanta last year, I did hear I needed to re-think what I was doing. I was told God grants miracles, and I should wait for my miracle. When it didn't happen, I was told I didn't pray hard enough or want it bad enough. I have also been told I was selfish and only wanted a perfect baby, not that I wanted to keep her out of pain. I was also told the reason she didn't live and we didn't get our miracle was punishment for traveling to Atlanta and attempting to terminate the pregnancy. All of these comments came from women who made the decision to carry to term.

I've said it before; I've been both places. I've come about as close as you can to terminating without actually having gone through it, and I attempted to carry to term, even though we didn't get that far. I just can't understand judging either side of it, not at all.

Why can't we support each other through our losses? Why do people, especially those who made the decision to carry to term, feel the need to judge and criticize? Why can't we be there for each other despite our different ways of handling the situation?

I'm hoping when I finish my degrees, I will be able to support women who make either decision. I don't judge. I cheer for those babies who live and thrive in spite of a poor prenatal diagnosis. I grieve and offer support to those who carry to term only to have their babies be stillborn or die in their arms, and I am there for those who are making or have made one of their hardest decisions ever.

Why can't others do the same?


Mirna said...

A fair question but I'm not sure if we'll ever know the answer to that one.... Tamara I would never judge you simply because I am not in your shoes. When people realise this, the world would be such a better place.

JenJen said...

I've actually decided to drop out of my birthboard on BBC because the women on there are the most unsupportive group of women on there. I've learned that people as a majority, but especially on my birthboard, are more interested in proving they're right than actually being there to support someone.

Not exactly what you are saying but I completely agree. Some people just can't look outside themselves, and just accept that because they wouldn't do something that just because the next person will doesn't make that person evil. Frustrating...

Reese said...

In a perfect world, people would attempt to understand the plight of their fellow (wo)man. What gets me are those who are 'Christian' who judge, never have walked in these horrible shoes.

I had a friend who carried her Trisomy 18 baby to term, just to deliver her, take one breath and die. I never got a choice, but got to see what the alternative of our heartache would have been had we been given them. It sucked royally either way.

Having walked this horrible path too, I have learned there is no black and white with these choices. It is a sea of gray. An abysmal sea of gray....