Today was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. I noticed I hadn't felt the baby move much today, so when I got home from work, I took out the doppler (thanks to my friend for letting me borrow it) to find the heartbeat.
The baby was moving so much, I had trouble finding it. In fact, at one point, it sounded like s/he was punching my belly over and over again. I'm not sure why I wasn't feeling it, but I guess it has to do with me being overweight. It sure sounded funny on the doppler though.
Also, Tessa shared some funny observations about breastfeeding with me last night, and I thought about that often today and even shared it with a few co-workers. I'll share it here, too.
We were talking about feeding the baby, and she asked me if I was going to use bottles. I told her I was planning to try to breastfeed and that I had tried with her, but it didn't work out. She asked, "What did you do? Stick your booby in a bottle and squeeze out the milk?"
Fighting back the laughter, I explained how it all worked. She was horrified and said, "I bet when you were trying to get me to do that, I was thinking 'You want me to suck on THAT?'," with much sarcasm on the that. Everyone I have told has thought it was hilarious.
Honestly, I've always believed laughter can help you through almost any situation. When we took our trip to Atlanta, my DH packed my Golden Girls DVDs, knowing I would need something to make me laugh. He also packed them when we went into the hospital for her to be born. We told our nurses that night that we laugh about things because it helps us, and laughing did help. It didn't change anything, didn't really take away the pain, but it did take our minds away from the pain for just a little while.
I guess that's why I shared Tessa's comments with so many people, so I could share in their laughter and take my mind off it. I also interviewed the new principal at Tessa's school and found him to be wonderful, so I'm really excited about her first grade year. I've got to write his story tomorrow for the newspaper.
Keeping busy and laughing helped take my mind off it all. I'm just going to try to keep busy for the next month or so, until the anniversaries are all over.
Someone commented that they hope my heart is healing, and it is, slowly but surely. I don't cry every day anymore. It doesn't hurt as bad looking at baby clothes anymore, not like it did when I first lost Jenna. But, even when my heart is healed, it will always carry a scar and a piece of it is always going to be gone. I don't know if I will ever be able to change that.
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