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Monday, July 13, 2009

20 weeks today and getting nervous

I am 20 weeks pregnant today and really feeling it. My hips are achy, which never happened with Jenna, but did happen with Tessa, only much, much later. I've also started waddling lately, which is oh so attractive.

I get an e-mail every week from Baby Center, telling a little about the pregnancy at this point. Today's said the baby is probably measuring about 10 inches and weighs about 10.5 ounces. He or she is already bigger than Jenna ever got to be.

I am getting so nervous, about a lot of things. Our ultrasound is in another week, and I'm trying not to think about all the things that could be wrong. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the fact that the odds are in our favor that everything is just fine. Just six more days, and I'll be more pregnant than I got to be with Jenna.

I am also getting nervous about labor and delivery. I know I have a long time to go for that one, but I had a horrible experience when Tessa was born and don't want to go through that again. Even though Jenna's delivery was very emotional for me, physically, it wasn't anywhere near as horrible as what I went through with Tessa, even though I did have to dilate all the way to 10 to deliver her. So, at least, I know not all deliveries are that horrible.

My biggest case of nerves come from the thought of raising another child. I keep thinking, "What in the world is this going to do to Tessa?" Her whole life is going to be turned upside down. For the last six years, she's been our main focus, and now, the attention is going to shift to this tiny new being. How is that going to affect her?

I know she's excited now, but she doesn't really know how her life is going to change with the new baby. I'm planning to get her involved with a lot of activities this fall, so maybe it will take her mind away from the fact that she's not the only one anymore.

Also, I don't want to play favorites at all, and I'm so afraid I'm going to love Tessa more than I love this baby. We have spent six years together, and for the first three, it was just she and I as Brian was on the road during the week. I love her more than anything, and I have a hard time seeing how I'm going to possibly love this baby as much as I do Tessa. She's my girl, you know?

Of course, I'm probably just being silly, and I know I will him or her just as much, but it worries me. I hope I'm not the only parent who feels that way.


Mirna said...

I had terrible Braxton Hicks contractions and with each pregnancy it got worse. I came to a point where I just got used to it - but I must admit I am very glad I had my kids when I was fairly young. I was 30 when my youngest was born and my OB said that if I wanted another I should get another OB because he didn't want another risky pregnancy. Nowadays people fall pregnant in their late thirties and early forties. I also got very nervous about each birth but then tried to not think about it. Just reserve it till the d-day. Self psychology! It worked for me! :) So try not to think about that now. You'll be fine raising another child - sure it is going to turn Tessa's life upside down. Keep her involved and go with the flow. They do adjust quickly, you’ll be surprised. The best part is you will love this new baby just as much as Tessa and Jenna but all in a different way. Hard to explain but it is true, they are all special in their unique way. Just because you fret a little show me what a wonderful mom you already are! Hugs

Beth said...

I think every parent goes through this. I know I haven't gotten to raise a child yet, but even with this pregnancy I was worried that I wouldn't be able to love Eleanor as much as I love Ada. I was wrong. I think once you see and hold your new baby and get to know him/her a little bit, you won't believe that you ever felt this way. BUT, I think it's perfectly normal to have these worries! I know other parents who have!

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

You are not the only one who worries about not being able to love another like your first. I think it was my mother who told me that when your pregnant it's not only your belly that grows, it's also your heart- to make room for the love you are going to feel for your new baby. Kind of sappy sweet I know, but you get the idea.