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Sunday, April 20, 2008

Will my lap be big enough for two?

As much as I wanted another child, I never believed it was going to happen. I honestly thought the Clomid wouldn't work this time, and "T" would be our one and only. So, needless to say, I'm quite shocked that the Clomid worked the second time around and that I'm going to be a momma again.

Now, the worry sets in. I worry if I'm not feeling sick enough, if my boobs aren't sore enough, if I'm not tired in the afternoon. Most of all, I worry about whether I'm going to be able to love both of them the same and not play favorites.

My mother and step-dad played favorites all of my life. I have sworn I'd never do that. But, I've had "T" in my life for nearly five years now. I don't simply love her because she's my child; I love her because of her personality -- her stubborness, her sassiness, her sweetness. I love her more now than I did when she was first born. Will I grow to love the other child as much? I don't want to play favorites at all.

I'm also worried about the things "T" and I have done together all of her life. She still falls asleep on my lap some nights watching television. Will my lap be able to hold both of them? Will that routine (one of my favorites) automatically have to change? She also sleeps in the bed with me. When "B" was on the road, it was because I was alone here, and her bedroom was all the way on the other side of the house.

Now, I'm going to have to move her to her own bed in her own bed. I won't be able to let the new baby sleep with me. It wouldn't be fair to "T" to let the new baby sleep in my bed when I have told her she can't anymore. How is that fair to either of them? "T" is going to miss out on something she loves to do, and the new baby is going to miss out on a wonderful bonding experience.

I know I'm giving "T" something she will appreciate in the long run. I know we've wanted to add to our family for a long time, and that it didn't feel complete before. But, knowing all of that in my brain doesn't keep my heart from wondering if I've done the right thing.

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