In denial

Yesterday, we went fishing. For some reason, I was thinking about camping next spring, when all of a sudden I realized we wouldn't be able to. We'll have a newborn then.

I think I'm in denial. I never thought we would wind up pregnant again. I honestly thought the Clomid wouldn't work again, so I didn't even prepare myself for the fact that it could. So, now I'm pregnant, and it's hard for me to believe it.

I did purchase a Pack n Play over the weekend. It's in a Winnie the Pooh print, and I think I'm going to do the room in that. It's a nice neutral shade of green and tan. We have to find "T" a twin or a full-size bed, because she sleeps with us and has agreed to let the baby have her bed. She's going to have to move into her room now.

I was also thinking of Christmas and how it's going to be so different this year without Granny. Last year, we were still in shock and denial about her death, so this year will be harder. It didn't even enter my mind that it will be different because of a new baby until much, much later. Maybe a new baby will help all of us heal and not be so sad at Christmas.

The name game

My grandmother died in December, and since then, I have thought I would name a new baby after her. Of course, no one likes her name: Alethea Pauline. I kind of like Alethea and call her Allie, if it's a girl, but my DH says we have to put his family in there somewhere. So, I would be stuck naming her Sarah Alethea, after his mother. No way, no how. No matter how much I love the name Sarah, I'm not going to name my child after my crazy mother-in-law. It just ain't gonna happen.

So, "T" wants to name the baby Zee if it's a girl. I think she got that off Noggin, because the bird on there is named "Zee." I've also thought about naming her after Granny's mother, Nancy Elizabeth. Granny loved her momma better than anything and missed her every day since she died over 65 years ago. She always described her momma as a saint, sort of how I feel about Granny. So, Nancy Elizabeth might be the perfect solution.

Now, a boy's name is a little easier. I still would like to name a boy after granny. "T" wants to name a boy Joe, and it so happens that I like the name Joe. So does DH. So, we've pretty much decided on Joseph Paul. The Paul would be for Pauline. "T" likes Joseph, too. She said, "That's a good name, but we'll call him Joe."

When we were pregnant with her, we didn't have a name for her until I was seven months pregnant. We were able to come up with a boy's name right away, but a girl's name was a lot tougher. Sort of like this time.

Gnawing hunger

I wake up hungry, then stay hungry over the course of the day. It doesn't matter what I eat or how much, I'm hungry again an hour later. It's like I'm eating Chinese food all the time. Hmm, that makes me want some. Great, it's 11:35 p.m. I don't know any 24-hour Chinese food places around here.

But seriously, I don't remember being this hungry when I was pregnant with "T." Maybe it was because I was so nauseus all the time. I didn't have time to get hungry between trips to the toilet.

Last night, I put everything together to cook a pot roast, pototoes, carrots and onions with gravy in the crockpot. This morning, I just set it on low and went out the door. All day long, I have fantasized about that pot roast. I just knew it was going to be delicious with macaroni and cheese, garlic green beans and cornbread. Then, I started to worry about whether I had set it to low. Then, I worried whether I had put enough liquid in it. All of this before noon.

The paper bought us lunch today for being accident free for 30-days. We had sandwiches and fruit. Usually, the sandwiches are that great, even if the fruit is. By 11 a.m., my mouth was watering at the thought of a sandwich. I was so hungry. I ate two sandwiches and a ton of fruit. It's a good thing they always give us too much.

Before I even went to pick up "T" this afternoon, I swung by home and checked on the roast. I got a taste of it. It was perfect. Later, everything else turned out great except for my cornbread. Tell me, how do you mess up cornbread? I thought it was the easiest thing in the world to make, but I did it.

If I keep this up, I'm going to gain back all of the weight I lost before I became pregnant. I lost 25 pounds since December by exercising and cutting out junk food. I know I'm going to gain weight, but I didn't think it would be this soon.

Five weeks tomorrow

I will be five weeks tomorrow, 5 down, 35 to go. It seems like it's going to take forever. I guess that's one of the problems with finding out so early.

Today, I did a little searching on the Internet and found a site that details what your body is going through week to week. In week five, I will suffer from sore and swollen breasts, feeling hungry often and nausea. I will also have to run to the bathroom every five minutes because my expanding uterus is pressing against my bladder. A five-week pregnant woman may feel lousy, and if she wasn't trying to conceive like I was, she might be wondering if she was pregnant. Since I found out practically at implantation (it just feels like it), I don't have to worry about what kind of pregnancy test to take. I'm just trying to push through the overwhelming fatigue and hunger. I feel like falling asleep in my plate.

Tomorrow, I go in for my first doctor's appointment. The receptionist said it's a confirmation appointment, but I've already had it confirmed with two blood tests. I can't understand why she can't call up Dr. LaRoche and get the results from them. Oh well. It gives me an excuse to be late for work, lol.

Will my lap be big enough for two?

As much as I wanted another child, I never believed it was going to happen. I honestly thought the Clomid wouldn't work this time, and "T" would be our one and only. So, needless to say, I'm quite shocked that the Clomid worked the second time around and that I'm going to be a momma again.

Now, the worry sets in. I worry if I'm not feeling sick enough, if my boobs aren't sore enough, if I'm not tired in the afternoon. Most of all, I worry about whether I'm going to be able to love both of them the same and not play favorites.

My mother and step-dad played favorites all of my life. I have sworn I'd never do that. But, I've had "T" in my life for nearly five years now. I don't simply love her because she's my child; I love her because of her personality -- her stubborness, her sassiness, her sweetness. I love her more now than I did when she was first born. Will I grow to love the other child as much? I don't want to play favorites at all.

I'm also worried about the things "T" and I have done together all of her life. She still falls asleep on my lap some nights watching television. Will my lap be able to hold both of them? Will that routine (one of my favorites) automatically have to change? She also sleeps in the bed with me. When "B" was on the road, it was because I was alone here, and her bedroom was all the way on the other side of the house.

Now, I'm going to have to move her to her own bed in her own bed. I won't be able to let the new baby sleep with me. It wouldn't be fair to "T" to let the new baby sleep in my bed when I have told her she can't anymore. How is that fair to either of them? "T" is going to miss out on something she loves to do, and the new baby is going to miss out on a wonderful bonding experience.

I know I'm giving "T" something she will appreciate in the long run. I know we've wanted to add to our family for a long time, and that it didn't feel complete before. But, knowing all of that in my brain doesn't keep my heart from wondering if I've done the right thing.

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I don't do pregnancy well

I'm going to tell you another dirty little secret. I hated being pregnant. The only parts I did like were feeling "T" kick, seeing her on the ultrasound and knowing in the end I would have the baby I longed for for so long.

I fully expected to love being pregnant. I swore never to complain no matter how sick I was, and I didn't. But, to be fully honest, I wanted to more than anything. I tried to smile no matter how many times I had paid homage to the porcelain gods that day.

You always hear, "Oh, you'll feel better by the second trimester." Nuh-uh. I didn't. I still threw up, but I was only more miserable because I was getting even fatter than I already was.

Most women hear about their healthy glow, but I didn't have one, not unless the blotchy red skin on my face constituted a healthy glow. My skin dried out and flaked, and my nose spread out all over my face. How can you look healthy like that?

It took me a long time to forget about how badly I do pregnancy. It's coming back to me, little by little, as my skin blotches and my stomach turns.

I felt cheated last time because I had wanted a beautiful and perfect pregnancy after having so much trouble conceiving. I guess I'll probably feel that way again this time, although knock on wood, I haven't started throwing up yet. I hope I'm not jinxing myself.

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Things I've learned since becoming a parent

I have learned a lot over the course of the last five years, and I'm hoping to use some of that with the new baby. Here are a few things:

1. Don't have any expections. I fully expected "T" to sleep through the night at six weeks, be walking by 10 months, talking in full sentences by the time she was a year old, potty trained by 18 months and reading by two. I can no look back on myself and laugh my head off. I didn't know I was going to be raising a child who was very independent and stubborn (I should have because I'm the say way).

She didn't the sleep through the night until she was about four months old, and we had trouble with night wakings until she was three. She doesn't like to sleep and believes she's missing out something by not staying awake. "T' could have walked by her first birthday, but she wanted everyone else to carry her. This didn't fit with the independence part, but it did fit with her stubborn side. She also didn't potty train until she was four. Yes, I said four. "T" didn't like panties. She wanted to keep wearing her pull-ups. I begged and pleaded with her, threatened to punish her and bribed her. Nothing worked. I finally just gave up. When she was four, she just decided one day she wanted to wear them. We haven't looked back since.

Don't have any expectations for your children. If they don't live up to them, you'll just be disappointed, and that's not right. Because you should love your children no matter what.

2. A baby can't be spoiled and it doesn't need to cry to develop its lungs. That last part is an old wives' tale I've heard all of my life (even from my sweet Granny, who was usually right about all things), but it isn't true. Allowing a child to cry simply raises their heart rate and their blood pressure and keeps them from trusting whether or not you are coming to help them.

Also, a baby will not be spoiled. I was always told not to hold "T" constantly because I would spoil her. Things you give attention to don't spoil; the only things that spoil are things you ignore. I loved holding her, and I loved having her know I was always there. She often slept better when I was holding her, which allowed me to catnap, too.

3. Never say never. I'm having to eat my words now. I swore that I would never allow "T" to sleep with us, would never spank, wouldn't yell, etc. Damn, was I ever wrong. She's almost five and still in the bed with us, although I'm hoping to have her moved to her room by the time the baby comes. That gives me nine months, give or take a week. I have spanked, although I am ashamed of it. I hate the way it makes me feel when I do it, but sometimes, it is all that works with "T."

I'm sure there is more that I have learned, but these are the three basic things. My sweet, sweet Granny once told me, "Just love her and everything else will work itself out." She couldn't have been more right.

Dirty little secrets of pregnancy

You have heard about the morning sickness (again, what a misnomer) and the fatigue and the stretch marks, but did any one ever tell you about the gas that goes along with pregnancy? Or how about the extra salivia in your mouth or the extra cervical mucus your body will produce? What about the cramps that will make you swear your about to start your period? Do you ever hear about that?

Women don't really mention these symptoms all that often because they are embarassing. But, I decided to tell all about it after standing in Wal-Mart last night with my belly swollen and bloated from gas, trying not to fart, as I'm bending over to pick up a Barbie doll "T" might want for her birthday. Women don't like to talk about "farts," but you know, when you're pregnant, it's going to happen. No use pretending it's not and doesn't.

The extra salivia is actually a symptom called ptyalism . For me, it's one of the main reasons I had so much pregnancy sickness with "T." My mouth would fill up with it all of a sudden, and I would gag and have to throw up. No fun at all, along with the fact that I was drooling. I'm starting in with it now. I just hope it hurries up and goes away so maybe I won't experience so much pregnancy sickness.

If you are anything like me (and you're pregnant), you're probably running to the bathroom every few hours to make sure there is blood on the toilet paper. You might also be running for another reason: excessive cervical mucus during pregnancy. I swear, and this is gross, I can feel it, just like you would with a period. That's why I think I'm bleeding even if I'm not.

The cramps are usually round ligament pain or the uterus stretching. Either way, it can scare a newly pregnant momma because she'll think it's a miscarriage, when it's usually something perfectly normal. However, if you are pregnant and are experiencing terrible cramps or are bleeding along with them, call your doctor or go to the emergency room. You don't want to take any chances.

Don't worry, I didn't let it rip in Wal-Mart, although I was tempted many times. If no one had been around, I might have though. Shh, don't tell anyone.

Second beta results in

I went yesterday to have my second beta test done. This test measures the HcG or pregnancy hormone. It is supposed to double every 48 hours.

I went in yesterday morning, and the lady recognized me. However, it took her forever to find me in the computer, again. This was the third time they had had trouble finding me, first, when I went for my seven days past ovulation progesterone test, second for my first beta, and third for the last one. I guess it's because Dr. LaRoche is in a different town.

Anyway, she stuck me, and I now have three little holes in my arm from all of those blood tests. That's ok though, but my arm was sore all day yesterday. I hate it when that happens.

So, I nervously waited all day yesterday and called this morning. The receptionist at Dr. LaRoche's office said she hadn't come in yet, and Sam, the nurse, wouldn't be able to call me with the results until Dr. LaRoche signed off on them.

I was so afraid she wouldn't call me today, and I would have to worry all weekend, but around noon, Sam called me back and told me my results. It had gone from 27 on Tuesday to 84 on Thursday, so they had more than doubled. My progesterone is also rising steadily, which is a good thing.

I am now released to be able to go to the doctor who will deliver the baby. I wished Dr. LaRoche still delivered, but she stopped because she wanted to spend more time with her family. I can completely understand that.

I think I'm going to go to Dr. McGowen as my doctor, although any of them may wind up delivering me. I just hope it isn't Dr. Jones again.

Help me out a little

Do you see that ad in the corner of my blog? More than likely it says something about pregnancy or morning sickness or something to do with pregnancy or motherhood, which is the focus on my blog.

That ad is there due to Google AdSense. I have signed up with them so I can earn money by blogging. The way I make money is for my readers to click on the ad.

I'm hoping to develop a strong and large followers and readers of this blog. I want my regular readers to click on the ad anytime the come to read or get updates on this pregnancy. By doing that, I'll be earning money, and you'll get to see what is going on with the pregnancy.

If you just stumble across the page and like what you read, click on the ad. I'd really appreciate it, and you don't have to do anything else except click on it. But, if you do want to purchase something from the ad, you'd be coming out ahead to, in that you would have a product you never knew you wanted.

So, please, just click on that little ad in the corner. I would forever be grateful to you for it.

Telling "T" about the baby

I hadn't planned to tell "T" about the baby this soon. In fact, I had planned to wait until her birthday in May to do it. However, I wound up having tonight.

She had a swollen spot on her arm where she got her shots on Monday. It was actually a knot, and I wanted to see about it. I think she was afraid I was going to hurt her, and she struggled against. I was afraid she would accidentally hit me, and I told her she couldn't fight me and why. She said, "Really, you are really going to have a baby. Where is it, your tummy?"

I nodded, and she asked me if the baby could hear what she was saying. I told her I thought it could and she leaned over and said to my tummy, "I love you, baby."

I started crying. I couldn't help it. I am so thrilled to be having a baby, but Tessa and I are so close. I'm so afraid it will keep us from being as close as we are now. I told her she would always be my baby, even with the new one. She said, "I know that, Mommy."

She told again that she wants it to be a boy, and even though I don't really care one way or another, I'm actually hoping it will be a boy. I already have my girl. I tell her all the time that she's my best girl or she's the best girl in the whole world, and if I have another girl, I won't be able to tell either of them that.

She kept looking at me all the time and said, "You have a baby in your belly? You really do?"

I'm finding it as hard to believe as she is.

Morning sickness

When I was pregnant with "T," I threw up in the parking lot of the local Red Lobster. Everyone in the restaurant stared at me through the window, and I'm sure they thought I was drunk.

They couldn't have been more wrong. I was pregnant and suffering from the mis-named malady of morning sickness. Pregnancy sickness doesn't just occur in the morning. Oh no, it can happen at lunch time, at supper or even after a very expensive meal (the most terrible time in my opinion.) I remember eating lunch with the girls from work at the most expensive restaurant in town. When we sat down, I felt perfectly fine. I ordered a shrimp po'boy, which was delightfully cooked and exquisitely served, ate cheesecake for dessert and lost it all 30 minutes after going back to work. That was a $25 lunch, too.

Doctors often say the sickness happens only in the first trimester. Not true. I'm a perfect example of that. It last well into my third trimester, when I quit being sick and developed such heartburn that I puked anyway. In a perfect world and a perfect pregnancy, morning sickness happens only in the morning and only for the first trimester. Well, most of us don't have perfect pregnancies, and this certainly isn't a perfect world.

One thing I found to help was to eat small meals. This kept from my stomach from being empty. Another thing I have read in the research is that the sickness is caused from extremely high levels of progesterone. Progesterone is needed to sustain a pregnancy, so in this case, the sickness is a good thing. Research is also showing that sea bands, which are used to cure seasickness, can help with pregnancy sickness. Also, your doctor can prescribe phenergan or another anti-nausea medication safe in pregnancy, which will help a lot.

Also, many women find their own thing to help with the sickness. Even though drinking caffeinated beverages is discouraged for pregnant women, my doctor said one a day wouldn't hurt. I would go through the drive-thru at McDonalds and pick up a coke from there. I couldn't just drink a 20-ounce coke or a glass of it; it had to be one from the fountain. I also would buy a small french fry. The saltiness seemed to help.

If you find yourself suffering from pregnancy sickness (I refuse to call it morning sickness), take it one day at a time. Many women do get better when the first trimester is over. If you aren't one of those lucky ones, take it a day at a time. I threw up pretty much every day for seven months straight, but every so often, I would get a break from the sickness for day and wouldn't throw up at all. Those days were great. Besides, in the end, when they place that baby in your arms, none of the sickness is really going to matter.

Beta results in today

This morning I received the results from my first beta blood test. The beta tests measures the HcG, which is the pregnancy hormone. Anything over 5 is considered a positive pregnancy test, according to my nurse. My levels were 27. Most women who are at least 11 days past ovulation and are pregnant will have numbers between 5 and 50.

I am going tomorrow morning for another blood test. It will have been 48 hours since the first. The beta tests checks to see if the numbers are doubling, which is what it should be doing. I'm praying that it's doubling. The blood test will also check to see if my progesterone levels are high enough.

For those of us with PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), we often have a problem with progesterone, which can lead to a miscarriage. If my progesterone is low, I'll be started on supplements. If it's not and my beta has doubled, I will be released to go to an ob/gyn since my gyneocologist no longer delivers babies.

To be honest, I'm beginning to feel like a stuck pig. I went at 7 days past ovulation to check my progesterone levels. Two days ago, I went for my first blood test, and tomorrow, my second. I hate giving blood anyway, so this is a lot for me. I figure my arm is going to start leaking soon.

I'll post the results for these tests when I get them on Friday. Please keep your fingers crossed that the numbers have doubled.

Motherhood the Sequel

Motherhood the Sequel -- I first heard this term from Claire Huxtable on The Cosby Show to describe being a grandmother. I never really thought it applied to being a grandmother, but I did think it was the perfect title for a woman expecting their second or third child.

This describes me perfectly. I just found out I'm going to be having my second child, who is due Dec. 25. I haven't told my daughter, who is almost five, because I don't want something to happen and her be devastated as I know she would be. She wants another baby as much I do.

So, join me on this great adventure of pregnancy and motherhood the second time around.