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Monday, May 4, 2009

Fears and paranoia

I find the closer we get to 16 weeks, which is when our nightmare with Jenna started, the more my fears increase. I am around 10 weeks now, so I just have six more weeks until I get to that point.

Part of my fear comes from the fact that my doctor changed my due date. I thought, based on when I think I ovulated, that I would be due Nov. 30. I would be 10 weeks today. I am not sure exactly when I ovulated, though, but I do know when Brian and I had sex. So, it had to be around that time or a few days afterward. The reason she changed my due date was because my ultrasound on April 10 showed I was six weeks exactly, when by my calculations, I would have been six weeks, three days or six weeks, four days.

The reason that bothers me so bad is that after my first ultrasound with Jenna they changed my due date, too, because she was measuring about five days off. Of course, my ultrasound with Jenna was at 11 weeks and not six weeks and was after my first appointment. Comparing just doesn't work. I have to keep telling myself that. This is a different baby and a different experience.

Also, at my second appointment, the one where blood was taken to do the AFP test, Dr. McGowen wanted me to go ahead and do the glucose test. We were never able to have that done because I got the results two days later, and we didn't really feel the need to do it. That bottle of glucola sat in the refrigerator for months because neither Brian and I had the heart to throw it out. Brian told me over the weekend that it nearly broke his heart when he finally did it. Again, I know you can't compare the situations, but it is so hard not to.

A friend of mine gave me the suggestion to call and ask for another ultrasound. I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell Dr. McGowen's nurse how nervous it makes me that the dates are off and see if we can do anything about it. Also, this friend is going to lend me her doppler, so I'll be able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want. She's a wonderful person, and I hope she's reading this. She really helped me a lot when I was going through my loss with Jenna.

I'm not sure if this paranoia and anxiety will go away until I'm holding this baby in my arms. For those who are reading who already have their rainbow baby, how do you get through it? I don't like being afraid or nervous, and I think being off my anti-depressants aren't helping any either.


JenJen said...

Unfornately, my dear, I think the paranoia will be with all of us here in dbm until our babies are safe in our arms.

Its hard, I know, because I give myself peptalks everyday now.

I think asking for another u/s is a good idea~

Grace said...


will be praying for you...

Jennifer said...

Hard stuff. I think that I will continue to struggle until Mocha is in my arms. But I do feel like I am getting a little better now. Sometime around 24 weeks there was a change. I don't have the same kind of fear that I had at the beginning...

I am praying that you can have some peace of mind soon...and that you are able to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible!


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I made it through my pregnancy with a lot of worried calls to my Dr and a few extra u/s around my loss time.You ask for whatever you need for some peace of mind. I went to a private u/s place a couple of times so my Dr wouldn't think I was a total nut. :)I lost Tyler to a "fluke", but that didn't ease my mind at all - I still worried that it would happen again. I won't tell you that it was easy or that you will ever be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy, but it is so worth it in the end! The ladies on the rainbow baby thread on the TTC after loss board are the only way I made it through. You are more than welcome to join us over there or pass me a note if you need to talk!
Kara (mom to 2 boys+?)

Niff said...

((HUG)) I don't have any inside advice to give you, but I do hope that you're able to relax and enjoy every moment.

While our experiences are quite different, I've learned not to look past today. I live in the moment each and every day, and have found that's what keeps me sane. What's that saying? "In worrying about the future, you miss out on the present."?? It's healthy to worry and to compare, but you have to be concious of where to draw the line (for me that happens after a crawling-in-the-corner crying spell).

((HUG)) You're a strong woman, mother, and wife.

Jessica said...

Hey Tamara. I seen your post and I had to comment. When I had my 6 week or so ultrasound for this pregnancy, the baby was off by 2-3 days. My doctor told me that in the first trimester dates can vary by up to a week or so. He also would not change my dates based on this. When I went back the next time around two weeks later, the baby had caught back up. I know it is so hard not to compare the two. I will be honest, every time I go for an ultrasound, I bring home the picture and compare to Georgia's (and about 100 more on the internet) to see if they are similiar. I know it is hard not to stress yourself out... but we both know that the odds are in our favor this time. Hang in there sweetie!