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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Deju Vu

My next appointment with my regular ob/gyn is next Monday, the one after Memorial Day. My first real appointment with the doctor last year was the Monday after memorial day. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I feel like I'm getting a real sense of deju vu here. My second appointment was the Monday after Fourth of July, which signaled the beginning of the end. I am NOT going to make my next appointment for the Monday after Fourth of July this year. I can't do it, and I hope she understands. The reason I want the appointments on Monday is so Brian can go with me.

If we do four weeks after my appointment next Monday, the date will be June 29, and I will be 19 weeks. I'm hoping I can get my gender ultrasound that day, too, even though I'm going to try to get another ultrasound at 16 weeks to decide about the amnio.

As for the sense of deju vu, I find the closer I get to the time when Jenna was diagnosed, the more nervous and superstititious I get. I want to get there and get past it, but I also don't want to because I'm scared of it happening again.

I dread July and August of this year. It is the starting of my two months of hell last year. I know how low I sank at Christmas when my due date was approaching, and I had my anti-depressants and no pregnancy hormones then. Imagine how hard it will be now without them and a full dose of pregnancy hormones coursing through my veins.

Also, last year, we had our vacation (albeit a small one) planned out, but decided to cancel because we got the diagnosis just a few days before we were set to go. I couldn't have handled it. We have another vacation planned for June 15-19, and we are going to the same place as last year, but are going to stay longer. I'll be 16 weeks when we go on vacation, around the time I'll have the AFP and the ultrasound. I think I'll just do it after we get back. I feel like I ruined last summer for Tessa, and I don't want to do that this year.

I know it's silly to worry this way and be superstititious and letting a sense of deju vu fill you, but I can't help it. I don't know how to get over it. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't due around the same time I was with Jenna. At least, there is about a months difference. Has anyone else experienced this?

4 comments:

Meg said...

I don't think it's silly to be feeling superstitious at all. Logical? No, of course not...but losing a child isn't logical either.

So go ahead and feel apprehensive and superstitious if that's what comes naturally to you. No one could blame you for that!

Jessica said...

I don't think you are silly to be comparing dates. I have actually done the same thing this week. Georgia and our new little girl have due dates exactly 2 weeks apart. Also, my birthday is next Wednesday, I had my amnio last year on the Thursday before my birthday and got the results back the next day. This coming Thursday, I will be at the specialist for a follow up anatomy scan. Same day, same office, so I totally know how you feel. The difference is, I know this baby is healthy. You will know soon too :) Hugs!

Mirna said...

It's only normal to feel a bit superstitious and comparing all. I had a similar situation with my second pregnancy. All will be well this time. :)

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