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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Thinking of leaving my birth board on Baby Center

I signed up for the November 2009 birth board on Baby Center. I don't know how much longer I can stay there without screaming at someone or saying something rude.

I know there had been some drama on the board, but I missed all of that. A lot of what is driving me crazy is just little comments.

I keep hearing people talk about being out of the danger zone. Out of the danger zone? Really? In my opinion, there is never a safety zone during pregnancy. Things can go wrong from day one to the very end. I have an Internet friend who lost who her little girl due to her doctor allowing her to go too late in the pregnancy, so I'm well aware of how late bad things can happen.

Another thing I've heard is in regards to prenatal testing. Someone made the comment that they wouldn't get the testing done because, "We would keep the baby and love it anyway."

First of all, yes, I wanted to say goodbye early to Jenna. I loved her. I don't know if they know how insulting that comment is to women who decided to terminate a poor prenatal diagnosis pregnancy. Those who make that decision don't come to it because they don't love their baby or want a perfect baby. They do it because they love their child and don't want the child to suffer.

Also, I think most of the people are thinking Down Syndrome when it comes to poor prenatal diagnosis. It's not the only one out there. There are others, and I wish everyone knew about them, especially the ones that are fatal. I think being prepared is very important. I had time to prepare myself for Jenna's death, so I wasn't totally shocked when she went. It still hurt, but I believe it would have been worse if I hadn't seen it coming.

I also heard, "Mental retardation doesn't run in my family." So freaking what? It doesn't run in my family either. I'm sure it doesn't run in many people's family who have received a poor prenatal diagnosis. Most of the people in my family had never even heard of Trisomy 18 before. In most cases, chromosomal abnormalities are a fluke and aren't passed family member to family member.

Someone else said amnios are so dangerous. I can understand thinking that way if you have a history of miscarriage or are at risk for one anyway, but in reality, amniocentesis are safe. My doctor told me the risk is down to one in 1,600 and can be even less depending on how many the doctor has performed without incident. It is safe.

I've heard over and over again that the tests aren't accurate. They're right; they aren't accurate. But, if you get a positive on one of those, it will lead to other tests, which are more accurate.

And, last but not least, a couple of people mentioned that they thought this was just way for doctors to make money. Really? You think doctors want to needlessly worry pregnant women just to line their pockets with money? If I thought that about my doctor, I would be finding another doctor.

I know I'm venting, but I can't help it. It just drives me crazy.


Julie Krum said...

I know how you feel regarding the birth boards. Sometimes it is very frustrating seeing how black and white some people see things. The comment about not having prenatal testing done always irks me. If my child had any sort of poor prenatal diagnosis from mild Down Syndrome to a fatal anomaly, I would want to know. Not necessarily so that I could terminate, but to prepare myself and the medical personnel for problems. We, as responsible parents, give our born children every opportunity for health care. Why not our unborn children?

As always, Tamara, my prayers are with you.

Jessica said...

I could not have said it better myself. Some people are so stinkin naive. Not everyone knows what we know :( I agree 150% about the out of the danger zone comments... I mean seriously, I got my diagnosis at 21 weeks. Hang in there girl!

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I couldn't visit my birth board for the same reasons - I knew I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I just started lurking on mine a month or so ago just for some lame entertainment. My advice would be to stay away. You're always welcome on the rainbow baby thread on the ttc after loss board!

Niff said...

I think birth boards are the devil. Unless this is your first pregnancy, or you've had uncomplicated prior pregnancies, there's really no relating. Most of the women live on some other planet.

I hereby ban you from your birth board. ;o)

Grace said...

It's frustrating that some people are immature and not realize what they are doing to people who have gone through tough times. but i think you should give the birth board a chance.
No matter how angry you are, I think you have to understand that it's hard to blame them for being insensitive coz they probably have not gone through anything similar.
You really shouldn't isolate yourself from that group. Perhaps you could join other clubs (i don't know, but i do know BBC has a lot of clubs and there is probably one for ladies expecting a baby after a loss) on top of it?

Mary Lou said...

My older sister somehow choked - according to family lore - as an infant. (she was also a preemie). My mother panicked - this was 1958 - women were not trained back then on how to deal with such events. At any rate, Kim had stopped breathing for eight minutes when paramedics brought her back. Of course she was brain damaged. This eventually became cerebral palsy. My mom wanted to keep her at home, so she turned down some opportunities for good placement. She had a four year old along with Kim, and of course she realized a few years in that Kim needed 24 hour care. She could not stand, could not feed herself, etc.
By then, only state institutions were available.
Long story, but what I'm trying to illustrate here is what happens to a family when a child with very special needs comes into it. My eldest brother grew up basically on his own - everyone was so busy trying to help Kim. She ended up in a state-run facility, where she eventually passed away at 20, a vegetable.
My mother blamed herself, became an alcoholic, died young. Our family has labored under this tragedy forever.
People have no idea what they're talking about when they say "I'd just love my baby anyway."
Love is not bringing a child into the world who will suffer needlessly - your love will not correct it. Your love will not be enough to comfort a child who cannot understand love or be comforted by your touch. Kim did not have a life. And her older brother had no childhood.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled - I thought I couldn't have kids. Still, I had testing done and had stupid people asking me - with THAT TONE - "well what would you do if something was wrong?"
My answer was, "I don't know." And I didn't. But what I know without a doubt is that it would have been done out of love.
You hang in there. You did the right thing, which you already know without being told. I'm just sorry that THOSE PEOPLE can't keep their ignorance to themselves. I'm sure my mother got a lot of it as well, from both sides of the argument, and then for institutionalizing her child. - Soemthing that I cannot even fathom as a parent.
Tragedy happens every day - we should be supportive to those dealing with it, not judging their actions.