I'm not working tomorrow because my appointment is at 10:30. I've had to tell the editor at the newspaper where I'm working part time that I was pregnant. He was really supportive of me (he knows a little about what we went through the last time), and I told him I would have a ton of doctor's appointments in the next few weeks.
He said his sister had a few complicated pregnancies, including one with twins, so he completely understands. I'm very happy about it, and I'm glad I told him so I don't have to keep coming up with excuses about why I need to be out.
So, tomorrow we will go to see the maternal fetal medical specialist. I don't know which one we will be seeing as Dr. Spiers is no longer there. He's who we dealt with the last time, and he was wonderful to me. I can't remember who it was that we saw the day Jenna died, but he was nice to me, too. When he told me he was sorry about it, I told him that considering what she had, it was for the best. He agreed, and he also apologized for recommending the hellhole in Atlanta and said they wouldn't be sending anyone else there. He also said he would call the Dr. McGowen and the hospital to tell them to let me have any kind of pain medication any time I wanted it, that there was no need for me to suffer needlessly. If we see him, I'll be happy.
I don't know what the appointment will consist of either. I'm hoping for an ultrasound, but I know it will still be early to see a heartbeat. I do know we will be discussing our testing options. I'm not sure if I want to wait for the amnio, but I do know for sure that I want to have definitive testing done. I know our chances of our baby having Trisomy 18 again are one percent, but I don't really trust statistics anymore. I also know that I want to have an answer before 16 weeks. I can't go through what we did with Jenna, again, just waiting for her to die, so I need answers before the deadline for termination in this state.
If that makes me cold-hearted or bad or whatever, so be it. I just know what I can and can't take right now.
Tonight, we were watching the final episode of ER. I don't even know why I did that to myself. I cried all the way through it. At one point, when they were working on a baby, I looked over at DH, and he had his eyes covered. He said, "I just can't watch it. I just can't. I just want a healthy baby this time."
Please wish us luck tomorrow, even though I know we aren't going to find out anything. I'd just like to know my friends are thinking about me. I find it comforting, especially when not too many people in real life know yet.
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