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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Seeing the specialist tomorrow

I'm not working tomorrow because my appointment is at 10:30. I've had to tell the editor at the newspaper where I'm working part time that I was pregnant. He was really supportive of me (he knows a little about what we went through the last time), and I told him I would have a ton of doctor's appointments in the next few weeks.

He said his sister had a few complicated pregnancies, including one with twins, so he completely understands. I'm very happy about it, and I'm glad I told him so I don't have to keep coming up with excuses about why I need to be out.

So, tomorrow we will go to see the maternal fetal medical specialist. I don't know which one we will be seeing as Dr. Spiers is no longer there. He's who we dealt with the last time, and he was wonderful to me. I can't remember who it was that we saw the day Jenna died, but he was nice to me, too. When he told me he was sorry about it, I told him that considering what she had, it was for the best. He agreed, and he also apologized for recommending the hellhole in Atlanta and said they wouldn't be sending anyone else there. He also said he would call the Dr. McGowen and the hospital to tell them to let me have any kind of pain medication any time I wanted it, that there was no need for me to suffer needlessly. If we see him, I'll be happy.

I don't know what the appointment will consist of either. I'm hoping for an ultrasound, but I know it will still be early to see a heartbeat. I do know we will be discussing our testing options. I'm not sure if I want to wait for the amnio, but I do know for sure that I want to have definitive testing done. I know our chances of our baby having Trisomy 18 again are one percent, but I don't really trust statistics anymore. I also know that I want to have an answer before 16 weeks. I can't go through what we did with Jenna, again, just waiting for her to die, so I need answers before the deadline for termination in this state.

If that makes me cold-hearted or bad or whatever, so be it. I just know what I can and can't take right now.

Tonight, we were watching the final episode of ER. I don't even know why I did that to myself. I cried all the way through it. At one point, when they were working on a baby, I looked over at DH, and he had his eyes covered. He said, "I just can't watch it. I just can't. I just want a healthy baby this time."

Please wish us luck tomorrow, even though I know we aren't going to find out anything. I'd just like to know my friends are thinking about me. I find it comforting, especially when not too many people in real life know yet.


Mirna said...

Hey there! Just recently started to follow your blog. Just want you to know that i will be thinking of you. All will be well this time although i fully understand your fears and concerns.
I lost my firstborn son 28 years ago due to HLHS born at 37 weeks. He lived only 8 days. Today i am blessed with 2 beautiful girls and a boy all born perfectly healthy.
You have so many friends and you have my support too.
take care

JenJen said...

Good luck at your appointment, and I'll be looking forward to reading your update.

((hugs)) and I'm so excited for you...


Anonymous said...

Hey sweetie! You know I will be thinking about you. I know what you are feeling. It is quad screen time for me in one week, and I am nervous. Even though I know the test is not a diagnosis. We are still going back and forth on doing an amnio without markers, but I have a feeling I will be having one by the end of the month. We decided not to do the CVS... too risky for us. Good luck and I will be waiting (patiently) for an update!

Karissa said...

Even though it is hard to believe, the odds are SO heavily in your favor that this baby is healthy and the pregnancy will go okay. I had a very risky, very scary first pregnancy (son almost born at 24 weeks, kept him in there through medical intervention and strict bed rest until almost 37 weeks) and my second pregnancy was fine. I was a basket case through most of it, but ended up having a healthy baby girl 2 days before my due date with minimal complications throughout. Whenever my mom would say "This is just a normal pregnancy. It's going to be okay this time" I would have a very difficult time believing her. There are lots of people out there sending healthy baby, easy pregnancy vibes out to you!