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Saturday, January 24, 2009

I am selfish, seriously?

I normally wouldn't respond to a misguided comment left to one of my blogs, but this one came so far out of left field that I had to. She accused me of being selfish because I thought a miscarriage was somehow less of a loss than a stillbirth. Anyone who read through what I wrote can see that isn't what I meant, although to be honest, when I first lost Jenna, I did feel that way. I don't now. And, I think most people think a miscarriage is less of a loss than having a stillborn baby, which is why it bothers me when someone refers to my loss as a miscarriage.

I don't think a miscarriage is in anyway less painful than having a stillbirth. It hurts, it's awful, and there are so many things about it I could never understand since I've never experienced one.

But, to say I'm selfish? Seriously? I have shared my story hundreds of times so that women could know they aren't alone, even though some of the things I've written here are very personal, and I'm normally a very private person. I have a google alert for Trisomy 18, so that I can comfort those families who are going through what we did last summer. I am volunteering my writing services to the Trisomy 18 Foundation to help spread awareness of this disorder.

I am campaigning to change the abortion laws in a state that is very pro-life to keep another family from having to make a choice they don't want to, setting myself up to losing friends and family over this. Some people may hate me over this, but I am selflessly doing this to keep others from the pain I went through.

If all that makes me selfish, then so be it. I'm sorry someone took my post and twisted it around to make me look selfish. That wasn't my intent behind it. I am so sorry for anyone who experiences a loss at any gestation, and I don't believe one hurts anymore than any other.


Alicja said...

Some people just don't get it. You are not selfish at all. I'm so sorry someone was that much of a jerk to you. <3

Niff said...

Obviously that person didn't know who he/she was talking about. You're not selfish by any means.

StellZ said...

Mrs. Mother... I can't begin to describe the horror I felt when I lost my pregnancies. I lost babies that were fully formed, but it was still a miscarriage because it was before 20 weeks.

I don't understand how can you and one of your viewers say it's worse to grieve the loss of a 20 week old stillborn baby than to grieve the loss of a 14 week old baby.

My losses are very traumatic and painful. I bonded with my babies before they passed.

I read back in your blog, like you suggested. You recently lost your granny. I would NEVER dream of saying the loss of your granny was worse than your loss of Jenna simply because your granny was older. Saying a loss of an older baby is worse than the loss of a younger baby is wrong. Flat out wrong.

With that, I leave in peace. I apologize for coming off mean in my last comment to you. I didn't mean it to create drama on your personal blog. I was hurt and wanted to let you know that yes, while this is your blog and you can say what you want, be careful though because you do advertise some items as miscarriage/pregnancy loss and people who have never experienced a "still birth" but have experienced other forms of loss do read this and may be hurt all over again.

If someone told you the loss of your baby was negated because they had lost one that was 32 weeks gestation, you would be furious also.

I hope your quest for this law change ends in a good way. Good for you and all you do. I was wrong to call you selfish, I take it back and apologize.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I do not understand the "selfish" comment and I hope you don't let this eat at you. You said in your original post more than once that you realize a loss is a loss and hurts no matter what point you are at. I delivered my son at 17 weeks. Technically that is a miscarriage but I still feel the need to explain to people that he was in fact "still" born. I can't measure anyone's grief but my own or compare them, but I understand what you meant.

Hollie said...

I agree with Niff - that person obviously does NOT know you one bit.

Cameron was born at 19wks, but my Dr. acknowledges the fact that it wasn't a miscarriage. It now says "stillborn" on my chart. And yes, that does make me feel better. I would cringe when someone would say miscarriage to me. I delivered my son after 6.5hrs of labor, I held him, I kissed him, I went to a funeral home to make arrangements. It is different.

The pain of losing a child is great, whether it's a loss at 6wks or a loss at 32wks. We're all greiving.

BUT, an early miscarriage is grieving the THOUGHT of a child, not a child that you actually got to see, touch, and hold.

I've had a very early miscarriage and can easily say that losing Cameron was MUCH harder. I'm still grieving over him. The miscarriage hurt, but I never shed a tear.

And the thought of losing my son who is 4yrs. is just unimaginable. I couldn't survive that - EVER!
Just the thought of it makes me weak inside, and want to burst out crying.

So, in MY eyes, there is a difference. If I lost Aiden, it would be more difficult than losing Cameron, and losing Cameron was more difficult than my early miscarriage.

This is just me personally though.