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Monday, January 12, 2009

Decisions about trying to conceive

I've been trying to conceive three cycles since Jenna died, and I'm already getting tired of the emotional rollercoasters that go with it. I literally broke down last cycle when I wasn't pregnant by my due date. I can't do that every cycle for much longer.

So, we have decided I will do Clomid for three cycles. If I don't get pregnant in those three cycles, we won't try to conceive, but we also won't try not to. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's Ok, too.

I always wanted two children. I didn't want Tessa to be an only child. But, I've come to accept the fact I do have two children, one who is here with us and one who is not. I got my dream, what I always wanted. It just wasn't exactly as I had pictured.

Don't get me wrong. I'm hoping I'll get pregnant, the sooner the better, but I'm also trying to see the upside of having an older, only child. We're finished with diapers and bottles. I don't have to worry about packing a diaper bag when leaving the house. We can come and go pretty much as we please, because we don't have to worry about naptime during the day. Most of the time, Tessa sleeps through the night.

We will have more money to do things with Tessa. We'll only have to pay for one college education, one wedding. Of course, none of those things would matter if I conceive soon. Having another baby to hold in my arms would be the greatest thing in the world.

Actually, I'm hoping I'm pregnant now. My chart looks really good, but I'm thinking it could be the Clomid. Here's my chart if anyone wants to look.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1f3338

4 comments:

Mac's Mum said...

I hope you get that BFP soon! I can only imagine how stressful it is when you're TTC. Hang in there! It will happen. :o)

Brenna's Mom said...

I just blogged about this very same thing. TTC sucks!

Jessica said...

Your chart does look great! I am keeping you in my prayers! I hope this month is both of our months. How ironic would that be? Hugs!

Erica said...

I know how you feel. Does your other child talk about wanting a sibling? My daughter constantly talks about it and prays about it since we lost her little sister in March. I hope that you will get pregnant and get what you want!! It's hard when you want something so badly and your body just won't give you what you want. Hugs to you Mama!