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Sunday, May 4, 2008

Critical parents

I am making a promise right now to "T" and to this child that I'm going to have in December that I will not be overly critical of them, especially after they grow up.

I have been so scared since "T" was born that if we had another child, I would play favorites, because of how my mother is. I was also scared that I would be overly critical of my non-favorite child.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to play favorites. I'm going to love both of these children equally. Once they are adults, I'm not going to criticize. If they choose to be street cleaners, then, I'm going to be proud of them for cleaning streets the right way.

My mom can't say I didn't turn out well. I never had any illegitimate children. I've never been divorced. I've never been a drug addict. I have a good job, a stable marriage, I own my own home, etc. Yet, I never keep it clean enough, I'm too fat, I don't exercise enough, I didn't finish college, I don't discipline "T" the right way, and I shouldn't have gotten pregnant again. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant this time, she didn't tell me congratulations, she said, "If that's what you want."

My therapist told me that I can't change her; I can only change my reaction to her. So, I decided when I turned 30, I was going to tell her exactly how her comments made her feel. Well, this just leads to an argument. I can't take being criticized for everything anymore, but I can't take the fighting anymore.

I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, because in spite of all of it, I do love her. I just don't know how to handle it anymore.


Anonymous said...

Found you via Absolute Write. Hi!

This is a toughy... my mom's great, but every once in awhile she drives me NUTS with her opinions about my life. I wish I had some advice about how to deal with your mother, but all I have is sympathy.

I think deciding to be a great mom is the best thing you can do in response. And maybe limit your interaction with your mom to email, save for birthdays and major holidays. *grin*

Natasha66acting said...

I have the same type of mom with the same type of criticisms you just mentioned. Only she says some of them behind my back to my younger sister. I'm not clean enough, I'm fat meanwhile I have a normal BMI but she has an eating disorder and is not even aware. I don't disipline my 2 year old daughter enough that she says to my face. She physically abused me badly as a child and I feel like an idiot for even still giving her the time of day. I am slowly trying to detach from her, since she is just a negative and toxic person. Good luck to you! Just know your not the only one out there.