Nervous about appointment Monday

My first real appointment with my doctor is Monday. I am getting so nervous. I'm afraid something might be wrong.

I'm also afraid she won't want to do an ultrasound until later. I feel like I need one sooner. I've just popped out so early with this baby. And, I talked to my cousin who has twins, and she said the one big difference was her tiredness level. I've never been so exhausted in my life.

They do have an ultrasound machine and an ultrasound tech in the office with them, but she might be booked up on Monday. Then, I'll have to wait more. I want B to be able to be there, and he can only be off on Monday. The next Monday, we will be traveling back from Mississippi from visiting B's parents.

So, it's either wait for two more weeks after that or go without him. I don't want to do that. It's not easy for him to take time off because he travels all day, so it's not like he can just leave work and go with me.

I do know some people hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks, but since I'm overweight, I don't know if I will or not. I hate waiting.

Showing already! Could it be twins?

I look about 20 weeks pregnant lately, maybe even more. I don't just look fat (which I already was before); I look pregnant. I shouldn't yet because I'm only nine weeks.

The baby is only the size of a grape, yet my belly is huge and hard, like it gets when you are farther along.

"T" thinks I'm having twins. In fact, she has asked God to let me have twins, just so she can have two babies. "B" thinks it's twins, too. I had a dream a few days before I found out that I was pregnant that I had twin girls.

I know you show quicker with the second baby, but really this is ridiculous. I could wear maternity clothes now, and it wouldn't look ridiculous at all.

Scared to death

Most of time, I'm really excited about having another baby. We've been talking about names and planning the nursery. But, on the other hand, I'm scared to death and think, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

I hope this is normal. I took Clomid to get pregnant, and I'm still thinking that at times. Tessa is five years old and going to be starting kindergarten in the fall. We're through all of the terrible stages. Now, I'm starting all over again.

Besides that, I don't do pregnancy or labor and delivery well at all. I was sick the entire time with Tessa. So far, it hasn't been too bad, except for headaches, occassional nausea and fatigue. Today, the nausea was really bad, and I'm so scared I'm starting in with it like I did with Tessa. Of course, with her, I started in with the nausea much earlier and had been throwing up for two or three weeks by this point.

I'm scared to death of labor. I could actually have a panic attack just thinking about it. It took me a long time to even start thinking about getting Clomid because of how bad my experience with Tessa was. It was a nightmare. I had contractions off the chart when I was only one centimeter dilated. I had a terrible reaction to Stadol. Tessa had her first bowel movement in the womb and aspirated on it. My blood pressure went to stroke level.

Now, when I think of labor, I can actually feel a panic attack coming on. I just quit thinking about it. I told my aunt that I was scared the other day (but I didn't tell her how scared), and she said, "It's a little too late for that."

I guess it is. I guess I'll be discussing this with my doctor at our first appointment, too.

Five years ago

Five years ago tonight, I was on my way to the hospital in labor with "T." It was a horrrible expierence with a good ending. When they placed her in my arms, I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to her. It's still our song.



I loved her so much when she was born, but I never realized how much I would grow to love her. I love her more today than I did when they placed her in my arms. Not only that, I like her, too.



Sure, she can be whiny and fussy and pitch fits just like any other four, almost five, year old. She's very stubborn, and she wants what she wants. But, she's funny and sweet and smart. I enjoy spending time with her and talking to her.



I used to hate it when people said they grow up so fast, but they were telling the truth. Now, I get to experience it all over again, and while I'm nervous about the process, I can't wait either.

Worries

I hate the fact that you have to wait until you're nearly 10 weeks pregnant before you can get in to the OB/GYN. I'm having to wait even longer because of the fact that I want to see the doctor on Mondays (B's day off) and Memorial Day Weekend.

So now the worries set in. What if I've had a miscarriage and I just don't know it. Or what if these side cramps mean it's ectopic, and I don't know it? What if it is twins, and I won't find out for a long time?

It helps that I'm still having pregnancy symptoms, but it makes me worry that I haven't really had any nausea. If I don't eat regularly (like every two hours), I get twinges of nausea, but nothing at all like I had with Tessa. Seriously, by seven weeks, I was sick all day, every day. The two biggest symptoms are sore boobs and exhaustion.

I'm thinking of calling and seeing if I can change my appointment to the Monday before Memorial Day. It would make me feel a lot better.

I saw God today

George Strait has a new song out called "I Saw God Today." It is all about seeing God in the small things, such as a flower coming up through the concrete sidewalk, a sunset, the glowing face of a pregnant woman or a new baby.

I used to be very devout. I attended church every Sunday and even taught Sunday School for a while. However, over the course of the last few years, my faith has wavered, and I have lost a lot of my beliefs.

I can't say that I believe wholeheartedly in the Bible, because so much of it is translated. We can never be sure if it is truly God's word or not. I do believe, though, that there is a higher power. I've spent a long time being mad at him because of many things. The latest is the way Granny suffered and her death.

However, in the last few weeks, I've gotten over a lot of the anger. Maybe it's the fact that I'm pregnant again, and I can't not believe that God didn't have a hand in it. Whenever I see the flowers growing, a rainbow or a new baby, I know he's there. I know he had a hand in it.

I can't say that I'm ready to go back to church or that I'm ready to start reading and believing the Bible. But, maybe if start looking for Him, I'll find him more and more often.

My sweet, sweet "T"

This isn't really about being a mother the second time around, but I had to write about it. "T" did the sweetest thing last night, and I just want to brag.

I had to cover the civic center's annual gala for the newspaper, so my aunt and cousin were keeping Tessa for a little while until my mom could get her. Today was Decoration Day at the church I grew up in and also tomorrow is my Granny's birthday, so my aunt wanted to put flowers on our family members' graves. They went yesterday to do that to avoid today's rush.

So, they get there and put flowers on Granny's and Papa's grave, then to my uncle's. My cousin told "T" that this grave was my other cousins' daddy's. "T" asked "A" where my daddy's grave was.

I didn't grow up with my father in my life. I had my stepfather, and I knew about my dad, but I never saw him from the time I was three until I was 15. After that, though, we became as close as we could with all the baggage between us. I loved him and forgave him, in spite of all that.

So, "T" knows I had two daddies and that one of them is in Heaven and that he died a long time ago (almost nine years now). So, when she asked, my cousin showed her. His grave didn't have any flowers on it (which isn't surprising, don't get me started), and "T" said, "That's so sad. He doesn't have any flowers on his."

So, "A" got some flowers from her mom and put them on my dad's grave. Of course, I broke down in tears as soon as I found out. Maybe it's because I'm already emotional, but I think it was very sweet.

Critical parents

I am making a promise right now to "T" and to this child that I'm going to have in December that I will not be overly critical of them, especially after they grow up.

I have been so scared since "T" was born that if we had another child, I would play favorites, because of how my mother is. I was also scared that I would be overly critical of my non-favorite child.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to play favorites. I'm going to love both of these children equally. Once they are adults, I'm not going to criticize. If they choose to be street cleaners, then, I'm going to be proud of them for cleaning streets the right way.

My mom can't say I didn't turn out well. I never had any illegitimate children. I've never been divorced. I've never been a drug addict. I have a good job, a stable marriage, I own my own home, etc. Yet, I never keep it clean enough, I'm too fat, I don't exercise enough, I didn't finish college, I don't discipline "T" the right way, and I shouldn't have gotten pregnant again. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant this time, she didn't tell me congratulations, she said, "If that's what you want."

My therapist told me that I can't change her; I can only change my reaction to her. So, I decided when I turned 30, I was going to tell her exactly how her comments made her feel. Well, this just leads to an argument. I can't take being criticized for everything anymore, but I can't take the fighting anymore.

I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, because in spite of all of it, I do love her. I just don't know how to handle it anymore.

Six weeks, one day

I didn't get to write yesterday, but I was officially six weeks pregnant yesterday. Six down, 34 to go, which feels like forever.

The baby' s heart has started beating. I'm thinking of ordering one of those heartbeat machines so I can listen whenever I want. The baby is now an embryo and is 1/17th of an inch long.

s/he is growing rapidly right now. The umbilical cord is forming, as are the buds for the arms and legs. The eyes and ears and an opening for the mouth has also formed. The heart is pumping blood, and most of the other organs are well under construction.

This is the week morning sickness should hit, but the truth is, I haven't felt queasy except when I don't eat every few hours. If my stomach becomes empty, I start to feel a little sick, but it goes away when I eat.

I'll tell you, though, I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life. It doesn't help that I can't nap like I did when I was pregnant with "T." Hopefully, the tiredness will go away like it did with her, and I won't start praying to the porcelain god.

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