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Monday, August 3, 2009

One year ago -- the trip to Atlanta

This weekend was the year anniversary of our trip to Atlanta. We left on Aug. 1 and came back home Aug. 3. I have to say that trip was one of the most awful things that has ever happened to me.

I had made a decision that was going to change the rest of my life. I knew it was what I needed to do for my sick child and for my family. I knew it was the right decision for us. I can't tell you the pain I was in sitting around with a group of women who had what I wanted, a healthy baby, and were willing to throw it all away.

Most of my readers know I'm pro-choice, but that doesn't make me pro-abortion. I have a hard time understanding why someone would choose to have an abortion for a healthy pregnancy, but I can not tell them they can't. It is very hypocritical to say, "My abortion is the only moral abortion."

Some of the women were laughing and joking with the friend or family member they brought with them. The last thing I wanted was someone to be happy while I was the most miserable I had ever been. I was about to say goodbye to a child who was very wanted but would never live. They were about to say goodbye to a child they didn't want but could have lived given half a chance. I felt so guilty for feeling that way, as I have always been pro-choice. I still am, as I explained earlier.

One lady in particular stands out to me. Her husband or boyfriend came in first and went to the front to sign in for her. The receptionist asked where she was, and he said she was outside smoking. At that point, I started feeling very unfavorably toward that woman.

When she finally came into the room, she was sobbing and hyperventilating and obviously pregnant. I started to feel a little sorry for her, thinking she might be in the same shoes I was in, but that pity ended in a minute. The receptionist asked her what was wrong, and I'll never forget what she said, "I'm so nervous. I've never been put to sleep before. They wouldn't even let me take a Valium or a Xanax or anything. Not like it's going to hurt the little bastard anyway, huh?"

Brian and I just looked at each other without saying a word, and I knew it hurt him as bad as it did me. I wanted to slap her. Actually, if I hadn't buried myself in my book (Harry Potter, JK Rowling honestly saved me at this point), I think I would have beat the crap out of that woman. I've never been violent, never been in a fight before, but I wanted to hurt her as bad as she was hurting me. I also found out a little later that no one else out in the waiting room was terminating for a poor prenatal diagnosis. They were all elective procedures.

I know now that woman wasn't trying to hurt me what she was saying. She didn't know me, and she didn't know my situation. And, I was wrong for judging her based solely on one comment made while she was going through a very stressful time. I don't know what made her come to the decision to terminate her pregnancy. Maybe she had agonized over that decision, just as I had. Maybe she was calling her baby "a little bastard" to distance herself from it so as not to hurt anymore than she already was.

Maybe she was being forced into it by her boyfriend/husband. Maybe she was raped and thought it was best for everyone if she terminated. How do I know what her reasons are? How could I judge her for what she was about to do?

I've often felt guilty about that woman and how much I had judged her for a decision I knew nothing about. I also have wondered if she felt guilty over the past year for the decision she made and hope she hasn't persecuted herself over it day after day. I hope she's been able to forgive herself for it if she did feel guilty.

We traveled again this year on this date, and although the trip wasn't one that was pleasurable (we went to see my inlaws), I will say it was better than our trip last year. I tried not to think too much about it over the weekend. Honestly, this was one of the easier anniversaries for me. I know the next one, the anniversary of finding out she had died and then her birth, will be so much harder for me.

1 comment:

Bree said...

I guess we will never know the reasons why that woman was there. But, I would have thought the same thing as you.