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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Disappointed

My husband Brian says he doesn't expect very much out of people so he'll never be disappointed. Me, on the other hand, well, I expect a lot out of people, and when they let me down, I'm very disappointed because I expected more.

It happened to me again. I was expecting my mom, my brother or my sister to at least make a comment about yesterday being Jenna's birthday, but none of them did. In fact, I even posted it on Facebook, and both my sister and my sister-in-law are on my friends list and neither said a word about it.

I talked to my mom twice yesterday, and she didn't say a word about it, nothing. She knows hearing about it doesn't bother me and knows it bothers me more when people don't mention Jenna.

Two of my aunts remembered. My cousins remembered and so did my friends, but the family members who should have didn't. And yes, I'm upset about it.

I haven't said anything about it, and I probably won't. I don't want to have to tell them what the day is. I just want them to care enough to remember, but I guess they don't. If this had happened to one of them, I would have said, "I know what today is, and I remember." It's just that simple.

I honestly should be used to it. I'm used to the slights from my mom. It happens all the time, but I thought she might take the time to even ask me if I was Ok or doing all right. But, then I remember her telling me once that she didn't need to worry as much about me because I'm so much stronger than my brother and sister. Well, sometimes that's bullshit. Sometimes, I need my momma to worry about me and care enough about me to ask if I'm all right and to remember emotional days for me, like the day her dead granddaughter was born. Is that asking too much?

We let go the balloons and let Tessa keep one. She tied it to her bed, to help her remember Jenna. We watched them as they went out of sight and couldn't be seen anymore. We didn't do the cupcakes. Brian couldn't find any with the colors I wanted, and neither could I when I looked. I might call and have some custom made for this weekend and cook a really nice dinner for us as a family, then have them for dessert. I think I'll have dragonflies put on them.

It was a peaceful day for me, and I didn't shed too many tears. All in all, I am a little glad to be past it. Her due date was a harder day for me, although yesterday was by no means easy. I thought I might get a sign from her yesterday, but it didn't happen until today.

I had stopped to pick up some lunch and turned to look out my window. Flying right beside my car was a dragonfly. I smiled and knew it was her.

7 comments:

Bree said...

I am so sorry. There is no excuse for your family forgetting about Jenna's day. I have family too that never mention Ella. I was quite shocked when I saw my husband's cousins recently and they weren't even aware that our baby was a girl, let alone had a name. I just don't get people. Know that there were so many of us mama's that thought of Jenna yesterday. I light my candle for her (and for her buddy, Georgia) just like I promised. I let it burn until it runs out. So, I had it was light for a few hours. I'm obsessed with cupcakes. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Bree said...

By the way, have you tried GiGi's cupcakes? My sister lives in Spring Hill and swears by them. Yum!!

JenJen said...

Ugh, I hate that your family didn't remember Jenna's birthday and you have every right to feel disappointed. My in-laws didn't call my hubby on Lily's birthday either and I know how hurt he was by their dismisal of their granddaughter's life.

((hugs)) and I'm glad that you got your sign yesterday!

Jessica said...

I understand how you feel. No one in my family called either. I think that the pain of them not remembering was probably the hardest for me. I cried longer than I have in a long time. I am very angry and like you, I am not sure if I will mention it. I thought about Jenna on Wednesday, but wasn't home to post. I'm glad it was a peaceful day for you. Hugs

MendedHeart said...

Oh Tamara I am so sorry about your family... it is so sad. I got goosebumps when I read you got your sign from Jenna - that is so special. I am so teary right now just because I know how hurt you must be. Hugs to you Mate - we care. Lots of hugs :)Mirna

Bree said...

Just wanted to let you know there is a butterfly for Jenna on my site. Click on Parade of Butterflies.

Violet said...

Even though this day must have been hard, I'm so glad Jenna made herself known a day later. I'm so glad you had a peaceful celebration. It's sounds like it was truly beautiful. Tessa sounds like she has such a beautiful heart and truly love both Jenna and Ella.