Will this paranoia ever go away?

I'm almost 18 weeks, and I go back to the doctor on Monday. We will be setting up my 20 week scan then. She will probably want to make me wait until my next appointment since they are going by what my first ultrasound said and not by when I think I ovulated for a due date. By their calculations, I will be about 17 weeks, four days on Monday.

I think I'm going to beg for one sooner than that. When we were pregnant with Tessa, we had the big ultrasound done at about 18 weeks, and they were pretty much able to see everything then. They weren't able to get a good shot of her heart then, but we just had another one later on.

I just don't think I can wait four more weeks to see the baby again. I haven't had an ultrasound since 12 weeks. I know it's standard procedure to go that long without one, but when you have lost a baby in the past and are high risk in some ways, you shouldn't have to wait 10 weeks without one.

I am just so afraid they are going to find something wrong on the ultrasound. So many people on my birth board have had their ultrasound already, and a few have had things show up on it. Others are getting their AFP test results back, which are showing positive. I'm doing everything I can to make them feel better, but in the end, all it does is make me paranoid.

I am determined to try to get over it though, because I remember how alone I felt after we got the diagnosis. No one else on my birth board was really going through a horrible prenatal diagnosis. The ones from that board were great, don't get me wrong, but they didn't know exactly what I was going through. I don't want anyone else to feel that way either, but it's so hard to read those posts because it makes my paranoia come to the surface.

One the good side, I have been feeling the baby move lately. I can't wait until Brian and Tessa can feel it too.