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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A confession

Can I make a confession? I guess I probably can because I've shared everything with all my readers over the past year.

I am scared, scared to death honestly, that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy. It doesn't help that July 9 is coming up. That is the date when our nightmare last year started. It also doesn't help that I am now at the same point in this pregnancy as I was when our nightmare was taking place.

I even rationalize in my mind what I would do if something happened. I think, "Oh, I won't have to start all over again with a baby again," or "I won't have to do those middle of the night feedings," or "You've already been through the pain once; it won't be so bad again."

But then, I'll think about holding a healthy baby in my arms come November, and all those rationalizes flee. I honestly don't mind starting all over, and I loved the middle of the night feedings with Tessa. I have insomnia anyway. Being up all night is the norm for me. And, honestly, I really do think the pain of something happening twice just might break me.

Yesterday, when we made our ultrasound appointment, I thought about when we made it with Jenna. It was the last truly happy, worried free day I can remember. We made our appointment for Aug. 4, two days before my birthday. I was so excited to find out what we were carrying. Little did I know at that point I would know a lot sooner that our baby was a girl. I would get that news, along with something a whole lot worse.

I told myself at the beginning of the pregnancy I wouldn't get close to this baby and wouldn't invest any love for it until we knew the baby was healthy. But, I couldn't help it. I have gotten attached to this pregnancy.

I miss the carefree days before I knew what all could wrong. My cousin told me the other day that she thinks in this day and age we know too much, and I agree. I think I know even more because I'm friends with all the mommas who have lost babies, all to many different reasons.

Sometimes, I get so scared I get close to having a panic attack. Not quite, just a little bit of pulse racing. I always take a deep breath and get it back under control, so it's not really a big deal. It's just anxiety and worry getting the best of me.

I think it's normal, but has anyone else experienced this kind of fear?


Beth said...

It is definitely normal!!! I went through that a lot around 20 weeks, and then it's been happening again lately. I think Eleanor is running out of room because she hasn't been kicking as much lately, and it scares me. I'll go for longer periods of time than I ever did - and then of course she'll start moving around like crazy when I least expect it. Anyway, your situation is definitely normal.

I know what you mean about rationalizations. I do something a little different though - I start thinking through the details about what if I DID lose this baby today. The other day I didn't feel her much and I started going through this...I thought about how well, at least my mom is visiting me this week so she would be here, and my husband already has Friday off of work so he wouldn't have to miss as much. I already have my hospital bag packed... And then I think "WHOA! I need to calm down!" I think it's normal though. We've been through the worst kind of pain before, and we're trying to prepare ourselves in case we ever have to go through that again. But I sure hope we never do!!!

JenJen said...

I am totally there with you! I've even told myself that if something happens with Abebe that I'm going to buy myself a brand new, how rational is that?

We do this all out of self-preservation. We have been where no mommy should ever have to go. I wrote a post very similar to this this morning. I woke up in a fear about losing this baby this morning.

Fear is a constant for me even when I'm trying to talk myself into relaxing!

MendedHeart said...

Yeah I recon it’s pretty normal to worry and get anxious reaching certain milestones - but with me it was a little different. Before I became pregnant with Marlize my doctor assured me that although millions of things can go wrong, millions and millions of babies are born perfectly... That made sense to me and I guess that put me at ease - I somehow brainwashed myself that all will be okay next time. It was but when Marlize was almost two, she had a fever fit and I prayed that God rather take the baby (her sister) I was expecting but spare her... How crazy was that? When you do feel a bit anxious just try think of something joyful. Visualize yourself having the new healthy baby in your arms. Sounds silly but it worked for me. :)

Reese said...

When we went in for the NT testing at 12 weeks with my sub pregnancy, my blood pressure was 180/110. The nurse had the audacity to ask if I was nervous. I wanted to punch her in the throat.

I truly wish I could tell you that the fear lessens, but it ebbs and flows. I took this last pregnancy as a series of milestones. Pass the 20 weeks, 24 to viability, 28.1 was longer than I had been pregnant before, etc. etc. I too thought that I could disconnect, but alas, when she started moving, it was all out the window.

Slow and steady wins this race. I am thinking of you---praying the 9th is a peaceful day.

Love, Reese