Three more weeks

Today was a very in and out appointment. I peed in a cup like always, had my blood pressure taken and was weighed. I've gained two pounds, which is good. Dr. McGowen doesn't want me to gain too much.

We talked about some pain and pressure I had been having while on vacation, which she attributed to walking too much. I think it was probably that, too.

She felt around on my belly and said it felt just right and then listened for the heartbeat. She found it right away, thumping right along. I told her that I had found it with our at home doppler, and it ranged between 149 and 165, which she said was normal. I also told her about the flutterings I've been feeling, and she said that was good.

So then we moved on to talk about the big ultrasound. I knew she wouldn't give in on the 20 weeks, so I'm having to wait three weeks. I can handle that. At least I'm not having to wait four weeks like I was afraid. So, our appointment for the ultrasound is July 20. Dr. McGowen can't see us that day, so I'm going in the next day. That's fine with me. I don't want to wait another week, and Brian can't come unless it's on Monday.

By my calculations, I am 18 weeks today. At exactly 18 weeks with Jenna, we received our diagnosis from the FISH results. I'll never forget that day. Part of me knew what I was going to hear, but I was hoping it wouldn't be bad news. I carried my phone into an interview with me, an interview about a teenage girl who attended a Confederate girl's school re-enactment. I told them I was waiting for my amnio results. After Jenna died, she sent me a card and told me she remembered me having my phone with me that day.

Part of me really wants the ultrasound to get here, but another part dreads it because I am so scared something is going to be wrong. I've told Tessa we will take her, but what if something bad happens. I'm not sure I want her there for that.