Non-stress test tomorrow

Yesterday, Dr. McGowen's office called me to tell me she wants me to come in tomorrow for a non-stress test. I know this involves hooking me up to a fetal monitor to check for the heart rate, accelerations and movements. They are checking to make sure Ella is tolerating the low fluid and umbilical cord problems.

I'm going to admit it. I am scared to death. I don't want to lose this baby. There is a part of me that wants to tell them if it's dangerous for her to go ahead and take her. I know 35 weeks and four days is early, but if she's better off out than in, let's do it. Even if it's 50/50, let's get her out so I know she's safe.

On the other hand, I don't know if I can handle leaving a baby at the hospital when I go home. I had to go home empty-handed with Jenna, and even though I know Ella would come home sometime, I think it would just be too reminiscent of that day.

I am still having headaches. I'm going to tell them tomorrow when I go in. The Tylenol helps a lot and makes it go away, but it pretty much comes back four to six hours after I take the Tylenol.

I also hate bedrest. I don't know how someone does it for a long period of time. I'm going to miss Tessa's Halloween party Friday at school, when I promised her I would go. I'm also not going to be able to go to trick or treating with her. I feel like I'm letting her down, and it's just not fair to her. My sister is going to the Halloween party at school to make up for me not being there.

If I'm still pregnant Nov. 7, I'll miss my family's annual bonfire. It's a family tradition that's been going on for almost 40 years. I have never missed one since I've been alive. I love it. I'll have to miss it, too.

I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and it's totally worth it if it gets Ella safely and healthily here. I'm gladly going to do it, but I think I can complain here. I'm trying awfully hard not to complain in real life.