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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Feeling overwhelmed

As much as I hate to admit it, especially with my friend Jen in the hospital hoping to stay pregnant as long as she can, I am officially over being pregnant. I am extremely grateful that I am carrying this life around, but I'm ready for her to be here.

But, then on the other hand, I'm not. Her room isn't even close to being finished. Between going to school full-time, being a mother and a wife, and Brian working 12-14hours a day, we just haven't had a chance to do it. The room has been used for storage for the past year or so and desperately needs to be cleaned out. Brian was off on Monday and got started on it, but I was sick and wasn't able to. I went to urgent care that night and was diagnosed with a sinus, throat and double ear infection.

The only thing I can take for it is a Z-Pak and Benadryl. So far, it's helping my throat and sinuses, but my ears are a raging mess. I need ear drops, but you can't take them during pregnancy. I'm actually thinking of calling the ear, nose and throat specialist I saw a few years ago to see if he will see me, then talk to Dr. McGowen about what I can do to get my ears better.

We still have to paint the walls, have the floor steam-cleaned, hang curtains, set up the crib, put the bedding (which I don't have yet) on it and do all the last minute things to get the nursery ready. It doesn't help that my shower, which I'm extremely grateful for, isn't until Oct. 25. I didn't want to buy anything else (I've already bought the travel system, some clothes, a diaper bag, some diapers, a package of bottles and other little things), until I saw what I got from the shower. So, after the shower, I'll have approximately a month to get it all set up. Is that even enough time, especially with how hectic are schedules are?

Don't get me wrong; I'm extremely grateful to be going to school and for DH to have a good paying job. It just seems like whenever we have any time off, we always have something else we have to do. We're going out of town this weekend for Brian's 20th reunion, so it will be another week before we can do anything.

This isn't even the start of my worries. I am so scared I'm going to love Tessa more than Ella, and I'm scared I'll play favorites just like my mom does. I don't want that to happen. I'm worried that us having a baby is going to scar Tessa for life, since she's so used to it just being the three of us.

I'm scared I won't be able to handle two children. I'm afraid Brian isn't going to be much help because his schedule is so weird. All I ever hear from him is how he needs at least eight hours of sleep to function. Well, I can't tell you the last time I got eight hours of continuous sleep. I would love to get that, but it's not going to happen. I think he's going to have to suck it up and lose a little sleep after Ella is born to help me out.

I am also getting scared that something might be wrong with Ella, just as there was with Jenna. I know, logically, that she's fine. She's growing right on target, her ultrasound looked great, and she's still here with me at 32 weeks. All of my blood work came back negative for any problems, but since I didn't have the amnio, I'm stuck wondering and waiting. I now wish I had gone ahead and done it.

My moods are awful right now. I snap at Brian, at Tessa, my mom, and to be honest, I'm pretty short with anyone who gets on my nerves. I don't have a lot of patience these days. That is my biggest symptom of depression, even more than sadness.

I asked my doctor at my last appointment if I could go back on my Zoloft, which works wonders for me in the past. She said I could but also warned that Ella could experience withdrawal symptoms after she was born from it. I'm going to try to stick it out because I don't want her to go through that. However, I just want to feel like me again, or at least, the me on Happy Pills, which is when I feel normal. She did tell me they could put me on Wellbutrin (which has never worked for me at all) or Prozac (which I've never used), but I love how Zoloft works for me. She said I can start it in the hospital as soon as Ella's born and take it while breastfeeding, too.

I guess I just need to focus on the fact that it's all almost over with, but that sends me into a panic, too. How can I be so happy about something yet so overwhelmed at the same time?

1 comment:

JenJen said...

Its normal to feel overwhelmed! You're sick, pregnant, going to school, taking care of Tessa and Brian...You've got a lot going on Momma. You can do it! With everything else in life all you can do is take things day by day.

As of now, my c-section is scheduled for November 22nd so I'm thinking you should have Ella on the same day :) OH, and my baby shower is Oct. 25th, too!